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01-17-2008, 12:36 AM #1Disabled
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- Mar 2007
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Complaint Letter of the Year..! --> Hilarious!
Complaint Letter of the Year.letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
So that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
-an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don’t care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
Therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were s**t, that they had attained the holy p**s-pot of god-
awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn’t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom – w*****s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very ambo
diment of my feelings to
wards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t***s.
John
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01-17-2008, 01:00 AM #2Web Hosting Master
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- Aug 2005
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hahahaha GREAT choose of words. Really amusing read, thanks for posting.
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01-17-2008, 01:02 AM #3Disabled
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- Mar 2007
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;-)I'm glad you liked it
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01-17-2008, 03:57 AM #4…
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- May 2007
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Ah, British swear words.
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01-17-2008, 07:20 AM #5WHT Addict
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LOL, This was a funny post, Thanks for the laugh, specially this part.
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
-an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
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01-17-2008, 07:52 AM #6Web Hosting Master
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- Sep 2006
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- 772
The sad part is I know somebody who used to have NTL who would have easily sent an email to that extent and with that wording.
I guess he cant complain now that he's stealing internet from NTL (Now Virgin Media).Ryan G.
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01-17-2008, 09:51 AM #7Big fan of RajiniKanth!!!
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01-17-2008, 09:52 AM #8Newbie
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- Jan 2008
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ROFL that is quality, I should send one!
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01-17-2008, 01:09 PM #9Web Hosting Guru
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- Nov 2007
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smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
Great read..i feel the same way sometimes with my ISP and router.... ping pong between their phone support...Who is this infamous HTML i keep hearing of, is she cute?
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01-17-2008, 04:53 PM #10Web Hosting Guru
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- Jun 2003
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- Scotland
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got to love real down to eath guys like that.
Playing with testicles! Quality pass time!
Liam
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01-17-2008, 06:12 PM #11Junior Guru Wannabe
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- Jan 2007
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- Manchester, UK
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- 89
Nearly in tears of laughter, cant agree more with the annoying hold tones tho, and subtle cut offs. Frustrating >.<
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01-18-2008, 03:23 AM #12******* Unleaded
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- Feb 2004
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- 3,849
Absolute proof of the value of good grammar.
Nothing more entertaining than overdone criticism.
For more, try this:
http://theregister.co.ukedgedirector.com
managed dns global failover and load balance (gslb)
exactstate.com
uptime report for webhostingtalk.com
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01-18-2008, 09:12 AM #13WHT Addict
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01-18-2008, 08:56 PM #14Junior Guru Wannabe
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- Jan 2008
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Haha, that made my day, thanks for posting
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01-18-2008, 10:15 PM #15Rocco Alive!
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- Oct 2004
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Nice one. Totally LOL
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
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01-19-2008, 02:10 AM #16Disabled
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- Mar 2007
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I literally fell off my chair laughing when i first read that
mainly because i had some friends over and you tend to laugh even harder when you have company