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  1. #1

    Complaint Letter of the Year..! --> Hilarious!

    Complaint Letter of the Year.
    The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
    letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
    So that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes

    -an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
    although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
    such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
    I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
    that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I donít care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
    Therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were s**t, that they had attained the holy p**s-pot of god-
    awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to


    their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isnít anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

    British Telecom Ė w*****s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very ambo
    diment of my feelings to
    wards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t***s.

    John

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Barcelona, Spain
    Posts
    3,397
    hahahaha GREAT choose of words. Really amusing read, thanks for posting.
    hi there!

  3. #3
    ;-)I'm glad you liked it

  4. #4
    Ah, British swear words.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Austin, Texas
    Posts
    174
    LOL, This was a funny post, Thanks for the laugh, specially this part.

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes

    -an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
    I am here. Did you need something boss? I'm just knocking out your tickets and live chats correctly and fast as possible while monitoring the servers and their services and admiring all the blinky cage lights. Just message me if you need any help.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Smiths Falls, ON
    Posts
    772
    The sad part is I know somebody who used to have NTL who would have easily sent an email to that extent and with that wording.

    I guess he cant complain now that he's stealing internet from NTL (Now Virgin Media).
    Ryan G.
    Owner
    Umgardi.ca

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Chennai , India
    Posts
    4,608
    Quote Originally Posted by amygdela View Post
    hahahaha GREAT choose of words. Really amusing read, thanks for posting.
    Nice read. A total lol

  8. #8
    ROFL that is quality, I should send one!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Posts
    250
    smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
    Benson and Hedges?

    Great read..i feel the same way sometimes with my ISP and router.... ping pong between their phone support...
    Who is this infamous HTML i keep hearing of, is she cute?

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    298
    got to love real down to eath guys like that.

    Playing with testicles! Quality pass time!

    Liam

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Manchester, UK
    Posts
    89
    Nearly in tears of laughter, cant agree more with the annoying hold tones tho, and subtle cut offs. Frustrating >.<

  12. #12
    Absolute proof of the value of good grammar.

    Nothing more entertaining than overdone criticism.

    For more, try this:

    http://theregister.co.uk
    edgedirector.com
    managed dns global failover and load balance (gslb)
    exactstate.com
    uptime report for webhostingtalk.com

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Bath, UK
    Posts
    132
    This one's been going round the web for years! I must have seen it around 2000 if not before. Still great though. Yes us Brits are great with words

    edit: just spotted this

    Quote Originally Posted by viratshah View Post
    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001,
    maybe it wasn't as long as 2000 then but it must have been still in 2001 or early 2002

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    56
    Haha, that made my day, thanks for posting

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Here @ WHT
    Posts
    1,354
    Nice one. Totally LOL
    One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

  16. #16
    I literally fell off my chair laughing when i first read that
    mainly because i had some friends over and you tend to laugh even harder when you have company

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