Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2001


    Reposted as found on Ampage, credit to the original poster


    Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border San Antonio, Texas (Rooters)

    Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

    "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."

    Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal second quarter.

    This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under-performing areas to a private
    partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.

    Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.

    "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt.
    "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor relations.
    I've been on hold on the phone all damn morning."


    The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common executive
    weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers
    as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."

    Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the plains for
    telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking
    their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the
    loop on that.'"

    Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since
    1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the
    CEOnistas as they have already been indicted.

    So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south
    of El Paso where she had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.

    "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

    While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said.

    "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event."

  2. #2
    Umm...interesting?? Any takes on this, guys?
    Santiago Yajan Cruz
    [://Insert ancient Chinese saying here ...]

  3. #3
    CEO's leave all the time. Reshuffling, looking for a better position, don't know what they are doing, etc.

    The actual percentage of CEO's who are leaving hasn't gone up at all.
    ::: Jeremy C. Wright :::

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Southern California
    It's... a... joke... - Where professionals discuss web hosting.


  5. #5
    Must have missed my normal "" when I'm being sarcky
    ::: Jeremy C. Wright :::

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Southern California
    Ahhhh, yes, you missed that... I was like - Where professionals discuss web hosting.


  7. #7
    Sorry, I have a talent for making an arse of myself when I join a community
    ::: Jeremy C. Wright :::

  8. #8
    I thought it was quite amusing, actually...

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    I would not mind seeing Sanjay Kumar in a line up. I used to work for Computer Associates. Many years ago, at one of many aquisitions, he announced to the staff of the newly acquired company:

    "Many of you will be wondering if you will still have jobs. I'm here to tell you that if you dwell on such things, it will become a self-fufilling prophecy"

    Kinda liked that, some style, no? I'm sure it was his stock line...

    Last edited by mwatkins; 06-28-2002 at 03:24 PM.
    “Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
    considerable economic stress at this period in history.”

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts