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01-06-2007, 06:17 AM #1Web Hosting Master
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Why you should never use your cellphone in the bathroom...
You should see the responses to this forum post.
Adam
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from http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/th...62188178&sid=1
You may take 1 look at this post and be like TLDR. I beg you, if you want a laugh read ahead. it's a little long, but WELL worth the read.
Enjoy.
All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over 48 hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of *** cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your
convenience:
1. Occupied.
2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3. Sh!t smeared on seat.
4. Sh!t and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5. No toilet paper, no stall door, something growing near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped the trousers and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful sh!tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh!tter was blathering to Mrs.
Sh!tter about the Sh!tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My *** let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate.
This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible...
throw up...in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids...love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
EDIT: This post was to long and i didn't realize it until about 5 minutes ago, scroll 2 posts down for the rest of the story.
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Here's the last 4 paragraphs for the original post, sorry about that...
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to %*!# in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in a bathroom. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
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01-06-2007, 06:42 AM #2Web Hosting Master
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LOL this had my quite literally laughing my *** off
Gr8 find and very graphical
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01-06-2007, 07:22 AM #3Retired Moderator
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Oh my gosh I have tears running down my face
Great story - not sure if I believe the truthfulness of it (just because most people don't write like that) but great story either way
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01-06-2007, 08:15 AM #4Junior Guru Wannabe
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Originally Posted by P-nut
I'm glad y'all enjoyed it. But it wasn't me :-). I just felt a need to share it, seeing as I myself was literally 'rotflmao'.
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01-06-2007, 02:05 PM #5Retired Moderator
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Originally Posted by P-nut
SiriusI support the Human Rights Campaign!
Moving to the Tampa, Florida area? Check out life in the suburbs in Trinity, Florida.
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01-06-2007, 09:29 AM #6Web Hosting Master
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A great and humorous story! If anyone that enjoyed this story hasn't read the Ryan's Steakhouse Story give it a read:
http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/A_gross_true_story"Arms discourage and keep the invader and plunderer in awe, and preserve order in the world as well as property... Horrid mischief would ensue were the law-abiding deprived of the use of them." - Thomas Paine
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01-06-2007, 09:47 AM #7Web Hosting Master
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LOL i fell off my office chair laughing at that
And its a comfy chair lol
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01-06-2007, 01:59 PM #8Web Hosting Master
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LOL that was too funny!
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01-06-2007, 02:04 PM #9Disabled
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Haha!
I love it how he calls the guy in the other stall his "Poop-mate".
ROFL.
-Jarrett
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01-06-2007, 02:29 PM #10Disabled
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Yeah, I forwarded to some people also.
Very funny find!
-Jarrett
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01-06-2007, 03:32 PM #11Retired Moderator
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painfully funny... somewhat gross
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01-06-2007, 06:01 PM #12Web Hosting Master
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oh my god.. that was the funniest thing i have read in years!
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01-06-2007, 06:09 PM #13Retired Moderator
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Suddenly my dinner doesn't seem too appetizing.
Good laugh none the less.
Alex
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01-06-2007, 06:25 PM #14Web Hosting Guru
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Hilarious.
//Me makes mental not to turn cell phone off when pooping in publicHow many web hosts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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01-06-2007, 06:27 PM #15Web Hosting Master
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Disgusting yet hilarious. Nice post.
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