Results 1 to 19 of 19
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    91

    A Question for the WHT Ladies/Women

    My girlfriend and I will have been dating/seeing each other for a year this December and as of late, we've been talking about getting engaged. Now, seeing as I've never been married before, the whole process is a bit new to me . I'll be the first to admit.

    We both care and love each other very much, although she was brought up the 'old fashioned' way. From what I gather, the 'old fashioned' way is the guy buys a promise/love ring and then, when they are ready to get engaged, the guy asks her father and brings to ring and they move from there.

    Now, seeing as she was raised that way, I'd like to follow the 'old fashioned' way, whatever it may be and would love to hear from those of you, more or less the ladies and women who have been or are married, as to what you feel is the 'old fashioned' way of getting married.

    Short of just going to the courthouse . I really care for her and this isn't something we're doing right now, it's just something we've had serious talks about and I'd like to follow the way she was raised to keep both parties happy.

    And I do apologize if this is a bit of a run-on, I've been up for the last 3 days with the semi-flu, not a fun thing!

    Any information is appreciated .

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Australia (Crikey)
    Posts
    2,271
    Perhaps you could ask her how she wants things to happen? Probably not the best idea though.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    91
    I actually did think about that, and to be honest, it did sound like a good idea for a few hours .

    We've talked about it, but she is more of the type to not take such things serious until it happens, so it'll be a bit of a surprise and I'd like to keep it that way .

    I appreciate the reply though .

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Proud She-Geek
    Posts
    1,722
    The 'old fasioned' way sounds just like what you described - although, I would skip the promise ring (every girl I knew who got one never married the guy that gave it to them). If you're quite serious about wanting to marry her, find the engagement ring and go talk to her father.

    Good luck - and for heaven's sake, let us know how it turns out!
    <?php echo "Signature here"; ?>

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Flint, Michigan
    Posts
    5,765
    Why not go talk to her father before anything else? Sit down and have a nice man to man talk with him about how you really feel for his daughter and let him know you'd like to propose to her. Ask him how he did it, his family does it, etc...

    He's one person that will have experience in marriage and your soon to be fiance
    Mike from Zoodia.com
    Professional web design and development services.
    In need of a fresh hosting design? See what premade designs we have in stock!
    Web design tips, tricks, and more at MichaelPruitt.com

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Tasmania, Australia
    Posts
    34,797
    There is no best way to "pop the question", only the best way to "pop the question" for you and your gal
    If you don’t like the road you’re walking on, start paving a new one.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Kuwait
    Posts
    5,099
    Whatever you do -- don't forget the ring. Happened to a friend. Not fun.
    In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.
    If you feel like it, you can read my blog
    Signal > Noise

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    91
    heh, I figured I wouldn't forget the ring . I have one picked out and she likes it, she just doesn't know that's the one I'm looking at too.

    Her mom and I already talked about it and she was pretty straight forward, but at the same time, confusing (if that makes sense). She was telling me what she liked and what she didn't like and how she didn't want a big wedding and all the additional info.

    He dad on the other hand, may be better to talk to since he's a bit more 'old fashioned' and I suppose that is why she is too.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,345
    if they are "old fashioned" they probably want to wait more than 1 year before an engagement...
    Seeksadmin.com Owner: Providing Security, Administration and Optimization since 2001

    Now Offering Windows Serivces.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    91
    Quote Originally Posted by Tris-SA
    if they are "old fashioned" they probably want to wait more than 1 year before an engagement...
    Yeah, as I said, it's not something we're going to run out and do in the next 24 hours, it's plans for the future.

    I simply like to get things straight and, if possible, arranged on my end, before anything happens . I like to be prepared and plan out everything so I have an alternative plan should one thing not work out or something come up and we're not able to do one thing or another.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Sunny California
    Posts
    1,679
    Jon,

    Your profile says you are only 20 years old. Wait a bit before you get married. In fact, wait until you are at least 25.

    You will change a lot from age 20 (or 19, which was when you started dating her) to age 25. There's also this really important statistic to keep in mind:

    "Early marriage is a key predictor of later divorce. Nearly half of people who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 end up divorced. It's only 24 percent for people who marry after age 25." (From this article)

    So...even if you think she is the one... wait. I was in a similar situation when I was 20 years old and even had the ring picked out, but we decided to hold off and not get married. I am glad we didn't get married. We are still close friends, but are no longer dating, and each of us is better off for it. And if you do wait and she turns out to be the right person for you, you will have had an extra few years to make that relationship that much stronger, and you will be better off in the long run.
    Last edited by ericabiz; 11-05-2005 at 04:51 PM.
    Erica Douglass, Founder, Simpli Hosting, Inc.
    »»» I founded Simpli Hosting, and sold it in 2007 to Silicon Valley Web Hosting after over 6 years in the business.
    Now I'm blogging at erica.biz!

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    2,268
    There is no best age to get married, only the best age that is right for you and your gal.

    There isn't a cut and dry age that is better or worse. If you feel completely confident that it is the right person and the right time then go for it. Don't worry about the bad experiences you hear about. You are more likely to hear from people who did have a problem being married at an early age, and less likely to hear from those that are still happily marrie.d
    Greg Lubbelinkhof

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Twin Cities Area
    Posts
    5,651

    *

    Quote Originally Posted by Simpli-Erica
    Jon,

    "Early marriage is a key predictor of later divorce. Nearly half of people who marry under age 18 and 40 percent under age 20 end up divorced. It's only 24 percent for people who marry after age 25." (From
    really? then how do we explain all of the marriages of 40+ years?

    get married early before either of you have the chance to acquire bad habits and get bitter about life.

    ps of course the mom wants a small wedding, the parents are the ones who have to pay for it!
    Last edited by Project X; 11-05-2005 at 06:40 PM.
    if you haven't considered chapter 7 bankruptcy, maybe you should.
    eliminate your debt, keep the property you want, most people qualify.
    contrary to popular belief - no attorney is necessary!

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Woking, England
    Posts
    1,396
    "There is no best..." seems to be the most abused line on this forum

    On another note my Aunt and her boyfriend are engaged -woohoo! I hope everything works out for her.
    Web Handyman - Website and Internet Marketing Service

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    91
    Erica, we are both in the same age category (my girlfriend and I) and I realize we are both within the general statistics you speak of, although age really does not matter so long as both people get along well enough.

    Do not take this as a strike against you, as it's not, although too many people push the age matter when it comes to just about everything. While I do understand there certainly are some age limitations when it comes to dating, marriage and so forth, we are both of age to make our own decisions .

    I am simply trying to keep both her and her side of the family happy and, at the same time, continuing to be happy with my choices.

    As for the wedding, her mother isn't pushing a small wedding, even she stated she would prefer a small wedding as it would be more personal. I could see how that could be said had the mother been the only one to say it though .

    All-in-all, I'm just looking to see how others may define the 'old-fashioned' setting of such proposals. Call me stupid, though while I've heard of promise/love rings, I've never actually seen a selection of them defined as such. This is where I am starting, but to be honest, have had little luck. Most searchs yield the meaning of the words 'Promise Ring' but do not really define what is a promise ring (in terms of cut, type, setting etc).

    I appreciate the responses thus far, though .

    @affordahost: Congrats. to your Aunt and her boyfriend!

  16. #16
    Personally, I think "promise rings" are somewhat silly. If you're going to get engaged, then just give her an engagement ring.. and then a wedding ring when you get married.

    The first "promise" you make to this girl should not occur until you are standing in front of your pastor/priest and slipping that final ring onto her finger.

    Any "promise" before then is not a good idea. What happens if you "promise".. or later get engaged... and then you (or both) decide to break up? Your promise is no longer good?

    No.. you are better to always let your word/promise be final. Promise ONCE, and then stick to it. Forever.

    I also happen to agree with Erica a bit. 20 is very young. I got married at 21, at it was difficult, even though we were best friends and committed to each other. We have made it through to 8 years, but some of them were tough. If we were older when we married, I am positive some of the struggles we dealt with would have not occured as much.

    With regards to her old-fashioned father.. I know the feeling. My wife's family is very old-fashioned... basically, I think the only thing you really need to do is privately meet with the father (since old-fashioned families tend to have the "man/father" be the one to talk to.. but if they're a new family with old fashioned values, then you can do the father/mother together) and discuss things. Be sure to:

    1) ASK for his permission to date his daughter "seriously". Tell him that you have been seeing each other for a while, and now you would like his permission to date her exclusively. He will appreciate being involved in this "serious" decision.. and you'll score a lot of points.

    2) ASK for his permission to marry his daughter. (ie: before you go out and buy the ring and get engaged)

    In all cases.. ask yourself if you are prepared to walk away from this girl if he says no. That is the real measure of the purpose of these activities. (Respect) If you truly respect her father, then be sure to listen to him and take his advice.

    If you are not prepared to listen to him, then you should discuss this with your girlfriend, as it's a serious issue that will undoubtedly come up later in your marriage. (In a bad way, since if she's "old fashioned", she'll likley place a very high weighting on her dad's opinions... and if he doesn't like you.. then you're in for a tough time...)

    Let us know how things go!

    Want to sell domain names? Sign up today for an eNom.com reseller account from a trusted eNom ETP provider.
    * We provide support and service to over 3245 happy eNom domain name and SSL certificate resellers!

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Posts
    1,596
    Also, for the old fashion way...never sleep (anything sexual) with her until you marry her. Right now, respect and ler her see that you want to marry her because you want to be with her...not because you are looking for a s-x partner.
    You want to make her feel that you are really the right person for her without a doubt in her mind.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    24,009
    Quote Originally Posted by anon-e-mouse
    There is no best way to "pop the question", only the best way to "pop the question" for you and your gal
    I can still remember how my wife looked on the night that I proposed. She was, and still is, a picture of beauty and elegance. We were both young, at 22, but ready for marriage (if that's possible) and to start the breeding program.

    SPJon, good luck with whatever happens.
    AussieHost.com Aussie Bob, host since 2001
    Host Multiple Domains on Fast Australian Servers!!

  19. #19
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Sunny California
    Posts
    1,679
    Quote Originally Posted by Geni-Site.com
    really? then how do we explain all of the marriages of 40+ years?
    Um... they're in the other half.
    Erica Douglass, Founder, Simpli Hosting, Inc.
    »»» I founded Simpli Hosting, and sold it in 2007 to Silicon Valley Web Hosting after over 6 years in the business.
    Now I'm blogging at erica.biz!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •