Web Hosting Talk : Other Forums : Web Hosting Lounge : Ugh... pisses me off...

[Webdude]

Ok, my kids are "my" kids, not by blood. I have been in their lives since one was two weeks old and the other was two years old. They are now 9 and 11.

NOW the real father wants to start taking them, he hasnt been in their lives all this time. I did all the hard work. I changed their daipers, I paid for their clothing, school supplies, food, etc, etc, etc. I did all the HARD work while this guy paid $180 per month in child support ($90 each). I'm sorry, but our family medical isurance (which includes my kid that I "voluntarily" pay $400 per month to, no court order) is $150 per week.

Back in February he comes in for visitation. We go to "The Main Event" (at which I had to pay for most of their cost) to play laser tag, video games, etc.

I guess what I am getting at it I feel like this guy watched them grow up from a distance basically, and now that the hard work is done, he wants to basically come in and say "Ok, they are my kids, I want them back". He has the nerve to want them to call HIM "Dad". He gives me this crap about they are "his" blood, I am the step-dad, just a "friend" to them, and I have no say in their lives. His definition of "Dad" is him, the blood. To me that is "Father". Dad does everything I have done. He left her for another woman when she had a 2 year old and a two week old baby, I stepped in and took up his job. NOW he wants back into their lives??? He left her for his girlfriend which was 6 months pregnant at the time by him..

He also yells and screams "I PAY MY CHILD SUPPORT!!", whoopty friggin doo, a whole $180 per month for two kids, I'm supposed to be impressed?? That barely buys toilet paper these days for a whole month, much less anything else.

I'm sorry, but my opinion is that the only thing that comes from blood is hereditary diseases. In a case like this blood means nothing.

Am I over-reacting??? I do have a big issue with them calling him Dad... he hasnt earned the title. He is quick to point out who is on their birth cert, (he's only on the older one) and I am quick to tell him it says "Father of child" not Dad. I remember a few years ago he tried to get her to convince me to adopt them (so he could get out of child support) and I refused. I didnt feel he should be let off that easy....ok, my mistake, wont happen again.

And you know what is so sick about it all? Once again, he is living off another woman. He sleeps all day, while she works, pays bills, hell she even pays his child support for him.... but she thinks he's the greatest man in the world..

[ANGELremy]

perhaps you should adopt them? Or is this just a rant? Not to mean any disrespect, but hey, if he is doing this and you realize how much you love your kids, maybe it's about time you do.

Maybe get a court order if you want to go that far?

I didn't know child support was so...cheap. How can ANY child live off 90 dollars?

[Torith]

Tell him to screw off. He did not want to be part of the kids lifes when they where young now wants to? Just because they are of the same blood does not make them family.

Do you have rights over the kids? Also yes they are your kids not his. Also I did not know you where a father congrats!

[RossH]

Any man can go get some woman pregnant and become a father. But it takes a real man to stick around and become a Dad. Kudos to you!

The kids can call him Dad if they want to or not if they don't want to. If he gets mean about the issue or ugly about it then you can step in, otherwise thats between those two parties.

I'd also reccomend talking to your wife and kids, tell them how you feel about the whole situation. You also need to admit your jealous.

Then you should probably have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. I personally would tell him the $180he paid was jack **** and he should have played a more active role in his childrens lives. Go ahead and tell him all about how you feel. Then he can either accept how you feel and try to be a better father, or you get to kick his *** afterwards to. It is a win-win situation.

[Webdude]

For me to adopt, it has to be approved by both legal parents. Him and my Wife. She would approve, but at this point, I know he wont.

In order to "take" his parental rights away, I have to be able to prove him unfit. While paying $180 per month isnt much, it's all he's required by law. So as far as law is concerned, he is carrying his own weight (yeah right).

He says I have no say in anything, it is him and my wife that do. Unfortunately for him, she does whatever I want her to, so yes I do have a say, just like the last time we were in court. Texas and her wanted to send him to jail for not paying ($19,000 in red). It was me that changed that. I had his interest rate dropped to zero as well as kept him out of jail.... yet I have no say

[GnomeyNewt]

He may be stepping boundaries by asking them to call him "Dad". Its the choice of the child what to call him. THEY know who their real dad is, so you don't have to worry what he thinks and you shouldn't. You are in their lives daily and you do all you can for them, that is what counts and they will know this. They will always know this. He is probably jealous that you hold that title with them because he was not there and he lost it.

But I do have to say that if he wants to be part of their lives, that is not a bad thing even if he did cop out before. Of course their are boundaries that need to be set. Seems like he doesn't understand that just stepping into their lives will equal a "family" or instant connection. Connections take time, even with blood relatives you have to work on them everyday. Your wife and you need to set boundaries with him and explain to him what is acceptable and what isn't when with the kids. I can see this situation getting toxic if he is just trying to make you look bad or say bad things about you while he is with the kids, among other things. You guys have the upper hand in the situation and should take advantage of it by making it clear what is acceptable and what won't be tolerated.

[GnomeyNewt]

Originally posted by Webdude
For me to adopt, it has to be approved by both legal parents. Him and my Wife. She would approve, but at this point, I know he wont.

In order to "take" his parental rights away, I have to be able to prove him unfit. While paying $180 per month isnt much, it's all he's required by law. So as far as law is concerned, he is carrying his own weight (yeah right).

He says I have no say in anything, it is him and my wife that do. Unfortunately for him, she does whatever I want her to, so yes I do have a say, just like the last time we were in court. Texas and her wanted to send him to jail for not paying ($19,000 in red). It was me that changed that. I had his interest rate dropped to zero as well as kept him out of jail.... yet I have no say

Honestly, if it is your wife that has custody over the children, by law nither of you have any say . So just let the commnents pass, to me at this point he sounds like he says things to get you upset. No point arguing over something that is between you and your wife any ways. If she lets you make the choices too, than its none of his business really.

[SniperDevil]

He sounds like an *******. Once the work is done, he just wants someone with whom to hang out and call his "kids." That's a disgusting notion, when one considers that he's done virtually nothing for them throughout their entire lives, except pay meager child support for them monthly.

If one of the parents dies, you don't need both of their approval to adopt the kids...

No, I'm most definitely not hinting at or implying anything.

[JonMB]

No, you're not over-reacting. He is a total jerk. You did a nice thing for him by saving him from jail, which he probably deserved, and that's the way he treats you? In a situation like that, I would wonder how my wife ever wanted to be with him in the first place!

You are the father. He was a sperm donator.

[Cirtex]

Originally posted by JonMB
No, you're not over-reacting. He is a total jerk. You did a nice thing for him by saving him from jail, which he probably deserved, and that's the way he treats you? In a situation like that, I would wonder how my wife ever wanted to be with him in the first place!

You are the father. He was a sperm donator.

Exactly my opinion on this situation as well..

[indiaberry]

He is unfit to take the children from your wife because he doesn't have a full time job. Let him see his children sometime. And your children, which are his children, will know and appreciate everything you are doing for them. Let them call him however they see fit. I mean...what would you like them to call him? Do they call you dad, too?

[harmor]

You are definitely not over-reacting since you have done all you could for these kids and this guy can't just take them away from you just like that.

[JSpired]

Let me take a completely opposite approach here..

First and foremost, I hope your kids are OK and comfortable with all that's going on. As I'm sure you know, that's most important. Kids tend to get caught in the crossfire, which is more than just unfortunate..

As someone who grew up without either biological parent present, I must tell you that I was always curious.. As time went on and I moved into adulthood, I learned more about these people and the more I learned, the more I realized how great the foster parents I grew up with were by comparison. This is something you can't teach, and something that can only be learned.

I guess my point here is not to worry about competing with the biological father in question. You may find it silly and stupid, but some day, these kids will want to know about him..and it's important that they do. Just be you. They will learn to appreciate you for you and identify with you as their parent.

Today, I'm a foster parent to two teenagers, both of whom are now getting to know their own biological families and realizing that "blood ties" don't always mean "family."

The best of luck to you and your family during all of this!

[Wulex]

Spoken in a very nice way JSpired But you shouldn't be angry

Not to deter this thread or anything, but if you watch family guy, you could always do what Peter did to Cleveland in that episode where he found out he was mentally retarded ;p

[dollar]

I do not understand the post above, lol, but in any event let me toss in my thoughts on this subject.

I am adopted by my grandparents on my father's side. I was born while my biological mother was only 17 years old and since age 3 I have been "raised" both legally as well as physically by my grandparents. I call them mom and dad because that is what they are.

My biological father is currently on his 4th wife and nobody has seen my mother since the day she dropped me off at my grandparent's house. Up until around a year ago speaking with my biological father was about a once a year thing. I never recieved even a birthday phonecall or anything of the sort.

We have begun to talk more as time goes on now, and one day he introduced me to some of his friends as "his son". I let it slide in front of everybody but later that night I had to sit down with him and explain my thoughts on the matter.

It was hard but I put it to him straight. He is not my father and I am not his son. That may sound a bit harsh and he took it a bit harsh but it is really the reality of things.

As the person who started this thread said, blood does not make a father, time and love makes a father. It would not have cost anything more than a bit of time to stop in and see me from time to time, maybe go to one of my many school events, or something of the sort there. The worst it would have been was a 5 minute walk (that's how close the houses were at the time).

It was only about three years after I was adopted that he found his second wife, got married again, and fathered two other children. He decided to go ahead and keep those children and look after them (the best he could at least) which is also a small kick in the face. I do not believe myself to be so nieve (sp?) that he could have raised me at age 18 as well as my grandparents have raised me. I also do not find myself to be dumb enough to think for one second that now at age 40 or so he could raise a child that well either. I did not expect that from him, but what I would expect is the due time to be spent with the child.

As time goes on he now wants to spend more and more time to him and I simply refuse most of the time. My schedule does not usually allow for it anyways.

I am greatful for having the parents I have had, and any person with parents 1/100000th as good as mine have been should be greatful as well. The countless, and I mean COUNTLESS hours they have spent with me have a value much higher than any sum of money can convey. They have encouraged me in everything I have ever done (this goes all the way from building a robotic lawn-mower which worked by the way to taking up painting with water colors).

Now that I have given too much of the back story for this thread it's really time to get into the meat of things I guess. As JSpired has mentioned there is always the question in the back of the head about what your biological parents are really like. I never knew my biological father growing up, and now that I do it has done nothing but help me to understand how blessed I am. I have never known my mother at all (to this day) and to be truthful I'm not sure I would want to.

When I was younger I always wanted to meet them and find out who they were, what they were like, etc... This is just that curiousity that comes with being young. If you are half the father you appear to be from this thread your children will know it. Maybe not the first time they spend time with their biological father, or the second, but believe me they will know it.

In my humble opinion the father is completely out of line on many levels.

1. As mentioned above "dad" is not what we call the blood that flows through a man's veins and that of his biological child, it is the name we give to show respect and honor to the time and love spent raising a child.

2. The $180/month thing is an utter joke as I'm sure you understand. This may be as much as he can afford, but a real loving father would take out a second job to take care of his kids properly. My brother (legal brother, biological uncle) just went through a divorce not too long ago. When he sat down with the lawyers they showed him a figure for child support he needed to pay. He has paid that figure every month on time since day one and on top of that he buys his kids clothes, school supplies, takes them out every weekend to do something extremely fun (from Cedar point to laser tag and everything in between), and gives them a very nice allowance. He is completely broke because of it but he's happy doing it.

3. He has no right to be making any demands. A love for a child is not something that comes and goes, it's something that is always there no matter what. There is no possible argument that he has been showing his love by ignoring the kids for years, and now wants to try a different method. If anything he should be comming to you, ASKING if he can take the kids out. If he really wants to show he can be a dad, then he needs to act before he orders.

In closing (as this is much too long of a post for 1:30 in the morning) I would like to say congrats on being the dad you seem to be. Your kids know what kind of dad you are, and they will know what kind of dad this guy is. Don't worry about him so much as he'll get bored of having kids again soon most likely.