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04-20-2005, 01:05 PM #1Web Hosting Master
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a ready-to-be-copied email for your hosting company
Well, this is not exactly a letter for a hosting company, but it might be considered as a starting point...
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a urther 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems so highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other ariations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
JohnRespect My Authoritah! - Eric Cartman (a friend of mine).
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04-20-2005, 01:37 PM #2Web Hosting Master
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Quite sad really
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. - Confucius
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04-20-2005, 04:35 PM #3Web Hosting Master
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LOL Sad?
that was funny
Im glad I knew all those words - but would I ever use them in personal writing? probably notAll life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
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04-20-2005, 04:56 PM #4Web Hosting Master
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LMAO! Thanks for posting. Truly made me laugh!
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04-20-2005, 04:58 PM #5Disabled
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HAHAHAHA! oh wow, nice read and thanks for a good laugh.. haha
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04-20-2005, 05:09 PM #6Web Hosting Master
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That was very humorous, although he had a number of grammatical mistakes, which I'm surprised were not fixed when he submitted his letter into the competition -- in indeed this competition exists and is not just a joke.
I admire even people like him, who can utilize words which have such a great flow and rhythm to them. While I know those words, as Lord said, I would probably not use them in writing to a telecom company. Of course, I suppose if I were submitting an entry into a writing competition I would 1) not be writing a real letter to a telecom company, and 2) be writing purely to show off my writing skills and earn first place, so I suppose I probably would write to the best of my ability.
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04-20-2005, 05:25 PM #7Web Hosting Master
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haha, that was funny as hell, thanks for sharing Made me laugh (I know what that is like!)
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04-20-2005, 05:38 PM #8Web Hosting Master
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Originally posted by SniperDevil
While I know those words, as Lord said, I would probably not use them in writing to a telecom company.
I could sure use them in a situation like that...
On the other hand... Not quite sure about this...
But you must agree that the author is quite a "nice" person to deal with...
Sure, all of us, hosters, were dealing with persons like that and all of us know the way for dealing with them.
EDIT: the 'competition' is a bogus one, in my opinion.Last edited by Stan Marsh; 04-20-2005 at 05:44 PM.
Respect My Authoritah! - Eric Cartman (a friend of mine).
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04-20-2005, 05:46 PM #9Web Hosting Master
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Originally posted by localpub
Heck, I think if you'll be sure you'll not use your telecom company anymore, your epistolic (spelling???) talents could be even better. Words used in this example aren't to be used in any official writing, but for a kiss-my-arse-goodbye letter to a telecom company they're quite ok.
In epistolary writing, I especially try to present myself as professionally and smoothly as possible, however those times when I err on the side of obscenity during my interactions regarding an especially or consistently problematic purchase or transaction don't bother me too much. Most of the time, they deserve what criticism I have to offer.
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04-20-2005, 06:08 PM #10Web Hosting Master
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As an NTL customer, I'd guess I can fully appreciate where this guy is coming from
Alex Monaghan - Monaghan Consultants Ltd
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04-20-2005, 07:21 PM #11Tells All!
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MMMMmmn NTL....I actually had to drive to their headquarters to pick up the cable modem to set a family member up on the net, because they claimed it would take 6-8 MONTHS (yes, MONTHS not WEEKS), to send the cable modem to her, and all because their technician was too lazy to actually leave the box with her when he ran the cable.
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04-20-2005, 08:07 PM #12DigitalPunchCardMaker
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you made my morning man. Thanks.
It is even funnier after read this:
http://www.ntl.com/locales/gb/en/aboutus/
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04-20-2005, 08:15 PM #13Newbie
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LMAO
- Dave || dave@innohosting.com
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04-20-2005, 09:30 PM #14Web Hosting Master
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lol
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.█ Nick | BudgetVM
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04-21-2005, 02:08 AM #15Web Hosting Master
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Originally posted by Joseph_M
because they claimed it would take 6-8 MONTHS (yes, MONTHS not WEEKS), to send the cable modem to her, and all because their technician was too lazy to actually leave the box with her when he ran the cable.
Respect My Authoritah! - Eric Cartman (a friend of mine).