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[magazineforall]

Hi Everyone,

Just thought you might like to see the START of a story I am writing. I am wanting feedback for it so please feel free to post constructive critcism. Thanks a lot and hope you enjoy it

Trial and Error
By Matthew Meadowcroft

For Claire and Peter it was a new beginning. There stood a proud 200-year-old cottage, plants were growing in and amongst the trellis. It looked traditional and beautiful, if not a little overgrown. Peter and Claire stood there leaning on one another, admiring the house. They walked slowly on the gravelled path and turned the key in the lock of the door. With a few creaks and cracks it opened. It was a lovely cottage but the couple couldn’t help feeling the eerie atmosphere about the place. It was as if they were being watched. All the creaky floorboards and very little light shining throw the windows didn't help either. Nor Peter or Claire wanted to say anything though, they thought it was best to put it down as a new experience. We'll soon be happy they kept muttering to themselves. After looking around they went to unpack everything from the van, even with the help of the deliverymen it took quite sometime. Everything in the house was very dusty, it looked as if the house hadn’t been lived in for quite some time. It was going to take a lot of work to make it to their tastes.

After getting over the initial anxiety and stress of unpacking everything, the young couple began to relax a little more. They had decided to move because things weren’t working out in their past home, especially with the neighbours. So they made their decision to move to the quiet town of Knighton, as it seemed just right for them.

Claire sat down on the sofa and curled up her legs whilst Peter made a fire, and lit a candle, which he placed on the table next to them. He then sat down next to Claire and they both snuggled up warm together watching the crackling fire and gleaming candle. The fire reflected from their sparkling eyes and they slowly started to fall into a deep sleep. Before long they had lost their fire and were fast asleep, it had been a long day for the both of them.

The couple woke some hours later, it was now gone 8pm. The fire had burnt out but the candle was still slowly burning away. A nasty chill slowly became present around the couple. That akward presence of them not being alone had come once more. Peter and Claire couldn’t see or hear anything but in their mind, heart and throat they certainly could.

Their throats began to tense, as did the back of their head, as if to say something or someone was behind them. The couple’s hearts began to sound louder. Bum…BA…Bum. Peter and Claire swung their heads around. A swoop of chilling air brushed past the couple which killed the gleaming candle and the room went into complete darkness. It brought shock and fear to rush through the mind and veins of them both. Almost in unison the couple swung their heads around…nothing could be seen, just the sound of the tap dripping from the kitchen could be heard. Claire moved her hand cautiously onto Peters and clutched it with fear. They knew what they had to do – get out of the house and calm down...

In total silence that’s what the couple did; stumbling across the living room they grabbed their coats from the rail and walked quickly out of the front door.

Peter pulled out his car keys but dropped them into the gravel. He crouched down to pick them up as did Claire, both clutching onto them, the young couples eyes met. It wasn't love that was beaming through their eyes, it was fear. What had they just experienced in the cottage? Not one word would even dare creep out of their trembling, numb lips. After what seemed like minutes but was only seconds, Peter grabbed the keys and lunged for the car. Claire bolted round to the other side and threw herself in. This time she didn't make any form of contact with Peter, she just looked straight ahead out of the windscreen very focused.

Peter put the key into the ignition which took a few attempts as his hands were trembling, he kept turning to face Claire for some reassurance. His face was white as a sheet. He wanted to get out as quickly as possible but his body wouldn’t let him with fear. After about 10 attempts, Peter finally managed to start the car. They drove off into the night with gravel spraying. The young couple didn’t have a clue where they were going to go but anywhere felt safer than in their new found home...for the time being.

Claire breathed a sigh of relief as they both left the front drive.
“Where do you think we should go?” Claire finally said. They’d not spoken a word for ages.
“Anywhere from here.” Peter replied sharply.
“Well there’s surely going to be a pub or something around here. How about we find the local? We’ll need too know where it is someday and we can always ask if there’s ever been reports of ghosts around here.” Claire suggested.
“So you really think our house is haunted then?” Peter asked.
Not really wanting to admit the house could very well be haunted Claire said. “Well…no but we can always ask. You never know it could just be our mind playing tricks on us. After all that cold chill we felt when we first woke, could have a really simple explination.”
“But we can’t really explain how the candle just blew out just like that. Can we?” Peter replied quizically.
“Maybe not but you just concentrate on your driving Peter. I’m sure we’ll sort it out by then end of today.” Claire said intently. She uttured those words as reassuringly as possible, although she couldn’t help feeling that by the end of the day things wouldn’t be better…they’d be worse.

As Peter drove along the dark and narrow winding roads; he could see a building with lights on in the distance. The couple had finally found the pub at last. Would arriving there help to get all their unanswered questions heard? Peter kept playing the events back through his mind becoming transfixed.
“Peter, watch out!” Claire yelled.
Within a blink of an eye he snapped out of his trance. They saw a car within meters from them, blowing the horn. Peter's feet slammed on the brakes. With a harsh turn of the wheel he manged to swerve missing the oncoming car by inches.
“What the hell were you doing?!” Claire exclaimed.
“I...I...was thinking about you know.” He said apologetically.
“Well you obviously wasn't thinking about us seeing tomorrow.” Claire immidiately replied bluntly.

[the_pm]

It doesn't work. Here's why.

The story launches directly into the thick of the plot. There's no background; the stage isn't set. We know nothing about Peter. We know nothing about Claire. Assuming whatever great adventure is about to take place, there's been nothing to set up how they are tied to it.

Right now, it feels like "Once upon a time, a bunch of random events took place, and they lived happily ever after." Who is Peter? Where is he from? How did he end up with Claire? Who influences his life? Who are his friends? What are his values? What does he look like? These are the types of questions that must be asked about Claire as well, and they are just a few of many that give the reader a better sense of the people for whom they are supposed to care. That's really the crux of a good story - you keep reading it if you find yourself wanting to know what happens to the people in it. You have to create that emotional investment in the reader.

But you don't answer these questions categorically. They are details slowly, subtly exposed by observing how the characters act and interact, not just when something sneaks up behind them and goes "boo," but in everyday life. The closer these people are to being real for the reader, the more likely someone is to care about what happens on the next page.

It just feels very fake right now. I think you have a lot of background to uncover about who the characters are and how they came to be where they are before you even come close to the stuff you're writing now.

[RajanUrs]

The story would be better if it started in the car drive to their cottage. As you narrate you can take the reader along the same mind frame as the couple expecting to reach their destination.

When they reach more description of the lovely cottage and countryside would draw a contrast with the events in the eerie night.

Till the chilly night episode let the reader thinks its some romantic love story. And then the narration should become very dramatic when they wake up.

Going to the pub is a good idea. There the story can continue with the pub owner and others telling them something. Either you can end it as a short story or build it up more.

[magazineforall]

Thanks very much for the feedback.

This is a re-write of a story I wrote when I was 15. I've typed the bits up from it that I thought were ok. I'll start to go back and write a bit more for it.

If that was an exerpt from the story after they had arrvied do you think it would be ok to use?

[the_pm]

I don't think so. I have to agree with RajanUrs. It still needs more exposition. More scene-building. Paint us a picture of what's happening and the surroundings in which it is taking place. And please avoid cliches! Editors will pick them apart and make you rewrite them anyway. Best to nip them in the bud now. That whole shivering swoop of wind knocking out the candle and sending them into shock almost made me want to groan.

Here's a little pointer. Try fixing on one object. Describe it in greater detail than any other, and then describe how the events taking place in the room affect it. For example, perhaps you want to concentrate on the candle. Good idea - the candle itself is a very evocative object. It can be romantic, spooky, dazzling, phalic and terror-striking all in the same scene if you play it right. Perhaps describe the flicker of the flame, how calm and bright it is when they first light it. What the glow does to the room and their faces. How the flame dances. How it glows even brighter and dances more vibrantly. How the flame flicker begins to go wild, dancing erratically, casting leaping shadows about the room. Take that flame into a frenzy, and then abruptly extinguish it in a curling haze of smoke. Describe how the smoke curls, and then a violent gust of wind whisks it away, at which point the main characters are scared out of their wits. They don't know why, but they know it's not safe to be there. And that emotion is attached to that tiny little flame.

That's just a rough idea. The actual wording is most important. And of course it doesn't have to be a candle - I just wanted to give an example. So much description and action can evolve from one simple theme.

Just a little stream of consciousness on my part.

[magazineforall]

Thanks for all the advice. It's been very useful. I will bear this in mind now.

Just to let you know I have finished the story (it was for GCSE's at school and was 8 pages long)

I've wanted to make it into a novel now and I can see where I've gone wrong so thanks a lot.

I've taken the start from exactly how I started the short story and as you've made me realise it is too short and not enough description is in there.

I've got plenty of ideas to work with now so thanks.

Hope you get chance to see it when it's finished