> Subject: : What Actually Happened to the Kursk.
>
> CNN correspondants report:
> Some new information has come to light over the Kursk
> disaster. For those
> with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that
> blew up and
> sank in the Artic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The
> Russians tried to
> blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified
> object. However,
> sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first,
> then a much
> larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A
> whistle blower
> within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was
> testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred.
> It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as
> planned. While rescue
> efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
> crews were able
> to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed
> accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck
> would have it,
> we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was
> trying to load Microsoft Windows on their fire control computer. Their
> intent was to replace the aging CP/M operating system with
> the flashier
> Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians didn't know about the legendary
> stability problems exhibited by Windows. The log tapes make
> this painfully
> obvious:
> Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
> Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the
> registration
> card.
> Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click
> our enemies into
> oblivion. [evil laughter in background]
> Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says
> "Preparing to run
> Windows for the first time". [long pause]
> Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes
> the 27th time.
> Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
> Seaman: Aye Sir.
> [another long pause]
> Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new
> hardware ... A CD-ROM
> drive and that it needs drivers.
> Captain: Where are the drivers?
> Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
> Captain: You are joking, right?
> Seaman: No Sir.
> Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this
> Windows. [another long pause]
> Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
> looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
> Captain: I do not think so.
> Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.
> [another long pause]
> Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
> Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
> forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.
> [another long
> pause]
> Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
> Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No
> user profiles?
> Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
> Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control
> icon and let us
> see how this works.
> Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.
> [another long pause]
> Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing
> paper clip on it?
> Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
> Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
> Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail
> a Virus, Fire
> a Torpedo.
> Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
> Seaman: Aye Sir.
> [another long pause]
> Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
> Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!
> [intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
> Captain: Click on the continue button.
> Seaman: Aye Sir.
> [another long pause]
> Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
> Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
> Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
> Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
> Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
> Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
> Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.
> [another really long pause]
> Captain: Well?
> Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a
> minute.... [a loud
> explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on
> intercom]
> Captain: WTF was that?!?!?
> Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express
> Fire Control has
> performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to
> continue.
> Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
> Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
> Seaman: It is not responding Sir!
> Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
> Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still
> operating. I am
> instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
> [another long pause]
> Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is
> not responding.
> Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to 'end task'.
> Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
> Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
> Seaman: Aye Sir.
> [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
> Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
> Captain: Holy ****! Not the blue screen of dea.... [KABLAM!
> A really big
> explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> The tape ends at
> this point.
> During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing
> tapping in the
> form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The
> rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend
> the last of
> their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in morse code. The
> tapes of the
> last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.
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