Web Hosting Talk : Other Forums : Web Hosting Lounge : Critic asks :: The thread for the world's bad & some good jokes, feel free to join in

[Critic]

Good Morning, Gooad Afternoon and Good Evening WHTers

Just felt like a thread worth doing and they've been some real classics on the radio in the last week.

I'll start with something shrot and simple.

A guy walks into a Bar year........OUCH!

There's another actual really quite good one about an Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman but i can't remember it exactly, i'll get back to you on that one.

And i suppose whether a joke is "bad" or "good" is in the ear of the beholder eh?

You got any??

Critic,

[SimsFreak]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other site! HAHA

Guess What? What? Chicken Butt?

Wanna know why? Why? Chicken potpie

enjoy the OLD one's

[phill2003]

bloke goes into a pub with a monkey says to the barman 'if my monkey impresses you do i get a free pint' barman says 'yea man'


the bloke whacks the monkey on the back of the head and it pops of the bar runs to the front of the bloke opens his zip and gives him a Bj, the barman says 'wow' and gives him a pint.

barman then says 'give you another pint if i can have a go' bloke says ok and the barman whacks the monkey again on the head.

Monkey duley runs round the front of the barman undoes his fly and sucks barman gives the bloke a beer.


anyway after 5 mins a voice pipes up from the back saying 'anychance i can have a go at that' they both look over and a drunk is sitting there so the barman shouts ' yea i spose so if this guy doesnt mind'

and the drunk replys 'but i'm not swallowing'

[freak]

Well, I have a few favorites, among them:
..................................................................
A stingy millionare was dying and called his doctor, lawyer and pastor and handed them each a million, saying, "I can't bear to part with all my money, on my burial day, please the money I am handing to you today into my grave so that I may rest in peace, I hope you won't reject a dying man." All 3 people agreed.

On the burial day, the pastor and the doctor and the lawyer all threw in a white package.

After the ceremony, the doctor was the first to speak up, "I have a confession to make actually. You see, I am raising money to build a hospital for the poor so I took 250000 from my share."

The pastor said, "I have a similar confession to make too. I took 500000 to build a church for the lord. I am sure he wouldn't mind."

The lawyer said, "I don't know what you guys are doing, but I kept my honour. I threw in a check.
"

[freak]

The world heavy weight boxer was walking down a street with his girl friend when suddenly, out of the sidewalk, jumped a skinny, short, fragile man barely gripping a blunt knife and demanded his wallet.

To everyone's surprise, the man immediately gave him his wallet.

Curious, some passerby asked him later on, "C'mon champ, you could have trashed that guy to hell and back, why did you give him your wallet?"

He replied, "Hey man, I ain't got more than two grands in my wallet and I ain't fighting for less than 2 million."

[freak]

The secretary of a charitable organization was bothered that the town's richest lawyer did not donate a single cent for the last 10 years. He phones him.

A: Hi, I am from xxx, our survey team showed that you made 500000 last year. Now, wouldn't it be great to share the joy with others?
B: Oh, is that so? Well, did your survey team tell you that I have an aging mother who suffered a stroke 4 years ago and is completely dependent on me?
A: Er... No.
B: Did it say that my brother-in-law passed away last year, leaving behind his wife and 5 children and I am their closest kin?
A: (abit flustered now) Erm.. So sorry...
B: Did it say that my brother was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and currently has medical bills amounting to 100000 a year?
A: We're so sorry sir...
B: So if I don't give them any money, why should I give any to you?

[Samuel]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have any guts!

[sailor]

why are computers better than women?







they will take a floppy anytime.

[essexguy]

Q: whats green and hard?
A: a frog with a flick knife

J: A horse walked into a bar, the bartender said. "Why the long face?"

a couple of my favourites

[Burhan]

At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,gently!"
The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say...guess who's going to die soon!"

[Samuel]

What red and shiny sitting in the corner?
A baby with a razor blade.

Whats green red and shiny sitting in a corner?
Same baby 2 weeks later.

[Critic]

ok

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac on his shoulder
he asks the bartender for 2 pints of guiness
the bartender asks '' why 2 pints?''
the guy replys '' 1 for now and 1 for the road''

and this one

[b]What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

.....A wooly jumper.

Critic,

[TheDoctor]

What's the definition of hope ?
Two Gays walking down the street with a pram.

What's the definition of suspicion ?
bull sh#t in a cow paddock.


Bloke wonders into an outback pub with his crocadile. Walks up to the bar and askes the publican .. "Do you serve Pommy's here?" .. publican replies .. "we certainly do" ... well then I'll have a beer and give us a pommy for my crodadile.

Doc

[Critic]

Some great ones and i've found the type of ones i was looking for.

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang,how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man, don't touch me......
I'm drawin' disability!!!!



and this one

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman working on a building site. They have decided to take a seat at the top of their crane to eat their lunches together. The Englishman opens his lunch box and looks at his sandwiches. "****ing cheese and pickle" he shouts. "If I get cheese and pickle again tomorrow I'm going to jump off this crane".

Next, the Scotsman opens his lunch box and unwraps his sandwiches. "****ing ham again" he says in a manner not too dissimilar to that of the Englishman. "If she gives me ham again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this crane".

Lastly was the turn of the Irishman to open his lunch box up. He too looked at his sandwiches. "****ing jam again," he shouts in his broad accent. "If I get jam sandwiches again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this crane." The following day the three men are again at the top of the crane for their lunch. The Englishman opens up his lunch box and sees that again he has cheese and pickle sandwiches. As promised, he jumps off the crane. Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box, and he's got ham again and so also jumps off.

Lastly, the Irishman opens his lunch and he's got jam sandwiches. Without hesitation, he too jumps off. The three are buried together a few days later and at the funeral the wives are talking. "I honestly didn't realise he no longer liked cheese and pickle" said the Englishman's wife. "My husband has always liked ham sandwiches. I just can't understand it," says the Scotsman's wife. "Well my husband made his own sandwiches" replied the Irishman's wife.



Critic,

[the_pm]

A four year old kid goes up to his mom and asks, "Mom, where do babies come from?"

Mom doesn't quite know how to respond, but since her son is only four years old, she says, "well dear, the stork brings them."

So the kid asks, "but Mommy, who f***s the stork?"