Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: JOKES Anyone??

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    13,624

    JOKES Anyone??

    One Dead Frog.

    One of the teachers had a kindergartener come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

    The student said it was dead.

    The teacher asked how he knew.

    The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

    The teacher said, "You what?"

    He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

    Pun-ishment

    1. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and
    I'll show you A-flat minor.

    2. If you don't pay your exorcist you get
    repossessed.

    3. When a college dormitory exploded a lot of
    roomers were flying.

    4. When the wheel was invented, it caused a
    revolution.

    5. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
    banana.

    6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    7. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
    two-tired.

    8. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

    9. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but
    broke it off.

    10. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in
    motion.

    11. A backwards poet writes inverse.

    12. He often broke into song because he couldn't
    find the key.

    13. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
    Seine.

    14. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
    would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

    15. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to
    know basis.

    16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

    17. It's better to love a short girl than not a
    tall.

    18. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

    19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    20. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    21. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer
    the agony of the feet.

    22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from
    prison was a small medium at large.

    23. The man who fell into an upholstery machine
    is fully recovered.

    24. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

    25. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

    26. Old power plant workers never die, they just
    de-generate.

    27. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake
    was in tiers.

    28. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't
    budge it.

    29. He had a photographic memory that was
    never developed.

    30. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the
    sink.

    31. To some - marriage is a word ... to others -
    a sentence.

    32. When an actress saw her first strands of
    gray hair she thought she'd dye.

    33. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

    34. When the electricity went off during a storm
    at a school the students were de-lighted.

    35. A long knife has been invented that cuts four
    loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf
    cleaver.

    36. In democracy its your vote that counts. In
    feudalism its your count that votes.

    37. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN
    down under.

    38. A small boy swallowed some coins and was
    taken to a hospital. When his grandmother
    telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No
    change yet'.

    39. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a
    taste of religion.

    40. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called
    for an inn specter

    The Smart Blonde

    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

    The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to
    have had your business, and this transaction has worked very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

    How to Call the Police

    (Supposedly a true story)

    George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    “Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of bitches ! .” Then he hung up.

    Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

    AND

    Blonde Ice Fishing

    A BLONDE WANTED TO GO ICE FISHING. SHE'D SEEN MANY BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT,

    AND FINALLY GETTING ALL THE NECESSARY TOOLS TOGETHER, SHE MADE FOR THE ICE. AFTER POSITIONING HER COMFY FOOTSTOOL, SHE STARTED TO MAKE A CIRCULAR CUT IN THE ICE.

    SUDDENLY, FROM THE SKY, A VOICE BOOMED,

    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    STARTLED, THE BLONDE MOVED FURTHER DOWN THE ICE, POURED A THERMOS OF CAPPUCCINO, AND BEGAN TO CUT YET ANOTHER HOLE.

    AGAIN FROM THE HEAVENS THE VOICE BELLOWED,

    " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    THE BLONDE, NOW WORRIED, MOVED AWAY, CLEAR DOWN TO THE OPPOSITE END.
    SHE SET UP HER STOOL ONCE MORE AND TRIED AGAIN TO CUT HER HOLE.

    THE VOICE CAME ONCE MORE " THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

    SHE STOPPED, LOOKED SKYWARD, AND SAID, " IS THAT YOU LORD?"

    THE VOICE REPLIED, " NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

    The Dude
    Last edited by The Dude; 04-25-2004 at 10:01 AM.

    Tinyurl is the answer for posting long urls!!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    NY, NY
    Posts
    3,974
    lol.. funny stuff...
    especially "How to Call the Police"

    lol
    Thanks for the laugh[s]

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    paradise
    Posts
    6,220
    Two blonde heads are smarter than one:

    Why did the blonde twin sitting in an open roofless convertible hand over the tire lever to her twin sister outside the car ?

    Because the twin sister had locked herself out of the car leaving the key inside and wanted to break the windshield to open the door.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    13,624
    Hehehehehehe

    I've heard a variation on this before..........

    The Dude

    Tinyurl is the answer for posting long urls!!!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    551

    Talking Re: JOKES Anyone??

    Originally posted by The Dude_
    JOKES Anyone??
    Always !


    12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

    1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
    newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

    2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one
    hand typing.

    3) I will get dressed before noon.

    4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
    and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

    5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
    friends and family that are Web-deprived.

    6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via
    the Web.

    7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
    telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on
    the Web.

    9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
    email.

    10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
    if it is necessary or not.

    11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
    balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

    12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
    sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!




    =================================

    A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's
    tech support number, complaining about the error
    message: "Can't find the printer."

    On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front
    of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it! (YEE-HAW!)

    Last edited by artvision; 04-25-2004 at 12:35 PM.
    Bestbg - Best "Background" Services

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    13,624
    Those are good,#12 is the best i think!!!!!!!

    The Dude

    Tinyurl is the answer for posting long urls!!!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    7,029
    Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
    sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
    You lie you lie!
    I am back....


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Europe
    Posts
    551
    #12 is my favourite too, but ... I forget it always.
    Bestbg - Best "Background" Services

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    2,659

    Re: Re: JOKES Anyone??

    Originally posted by artvision


    9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for
    email.

    What else are commercials for??



    Originally posted by artvision
    11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
    balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
    No kidding....
    g.
    "In youth we learn; in age we understand"
    Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •