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  1. #26
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Bharat
    Posts
    4,808

    EU to adopt English as preferred lang

    The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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  2. #27
    A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".

    "Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"

    Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."

    "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

    "Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."

  3. #28
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
    Posts
    2,187
    Are you going to dance?

    In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked; are you going to dance??
    The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
    "yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"
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  4. #29
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
    Posts
    2,187
    IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER EXPERT

    Husband: (came home late from office) Hello honey now I'm logged in."
    Wife: "Did you bring the gift that i want?"
    Husband: "Bad command or filename."
    Wife: "But I already asked you this morning!"
    Husband: "Errorneous syntax. Abort?"
    Wife: "Then,how about buy new television?"
    Husband: "Variable not found..."
    Wife: "OK , I want your credit card,I'll shop by myself."
    Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied..."
    Wife: "do you love me better than your computer?or you just playing?"
    Husband: "Too many parameters..."
    Wife: "the worst mistake was I married with Idiot man like you!"
    husband: "Data type mismatch."
    Wife: "you're useless."
    Husband: "It's by Default."
    Wife: "how about your salary?"
    husband: "File in use ... Try later."
    Wife: "What i am in this family?"
    Husband: "Unknown Virus."
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  5. #30
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
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    2,187
    Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
    Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
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  6. #31
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    85
    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
    Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
    Where did he find such a wife. Divorce her, i will take her

  7. #32
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    172
    Told to me by an Old Russian Painter. His accent made it even funnier.

    Man and son go into the pharmacy, son sees condoms.
    Son: Father, what are these? (pointing at three pack)
    Father: Son those are for High School boy. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday
    Son, pointing at six pack: And these?
    Father: Son those are for College boy. Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, Two for Sunday.
    Son, pointing at 12 pack: And these father?
    Father: Son those are for Married Man, One for January, One for February, One for March....

    I rolled.

  8. #33
    Nice joke shared by other users as well. These put some smile on my face. So thanks to all for sharing such funny jokes.

  9. #34
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    172
    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER EXPERT

    Husband: (came home late from office) Hello honey now I'm logged in."
    Wife: "Did you bring the gift that i want?"
    Husband: "Bad command or filename."
    Wife: "But I already asked you this morning!"
    Husband: "Errorneous syntax. Abort?"
    Wife: "Then,how about buy new television?"
    Husband: "Variable not found..."
    Wife: "OK , I want your credit card,I'll shop by myself."
    Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied..."
    Wife: "do you love me better than your computer?or you just playing?"
    Husband: "Too many parameters..."
    Wife: "the worst mistake was I married with Idiot man like you!"
    husband: "Data type mismatch."
    Wife: "you're useless."
    Husband: "It's by Default."
    Wife: "how about your salary?"
    husband: "File in use ... Try later."
    Wife: "What i am in this family?"
    Husband: "Unknown Virus."

    HAHA love this one.

  10. #35
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
    Posts
    2,187
    Nevermind!...Nevermind!

    The girl is shouting because she's being rape...Help! Help!
    Rapist: Hey stop don't ask for help, I can do this myself!
    Girl replied: Are you sure? okay! 'Nevermind! 'Nevermind!
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  11. #36
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
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    About Mind

    Galileo: Great mind.
    Einstein: Genius mind.
    Newton: Extra ordinary mind.
    Bill Gates: Brilliant mind.
    ME? Never mind, as long as I’m cute, i don’t mind!
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  12. #37
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
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    Extraordinary Wisdom

    1. Don't judge a book for you are not a Judge.
    2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
    3. Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine.
    4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.
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  13. #38
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
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    I hurt all over

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

    "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

    "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

    The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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  14. #39
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    421
    lolll it's make me grin, smile and some haha

    nice thread!
    Last edited by craig joe; 03-18-2011 at 02:04 PM.
    please cmiiw always

  15. #40
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
    Posts
    2,187
    MISS: Doc, is your clinic open today for physical check up?
    DOC: Sure, please come-in to my room.

    (inside the Doctor's room)

    DOC: Ok Miss, please remove all your clothes including your underwear so we can start the physical exam.
    MISS: Ah...sorry Doc but its not me, its my grandma.
    DOC: I see...ok grandma just take a deep breath (inhale, exhale)
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  16. #41
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Arkansas
    Posts
    155
    So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
    They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
    And one of them yells "It's hot in here!"
    And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"




    In Heaven:

    The cooks are French,
    The policemen are English,
    The mechanics are German,
    The lovers are Italian,
    The bankers are Swiss.

    In Hell:

    The cooks are English,
    The policemen are German,
    The mechanics are French,
    The lovers are Swiss,
    The bankers are Italian.


    In Computer Heaven:

    The management is from Intel,
    The design and construction is done by Apple,
    The marketing is done by Microsoft,
    IBM provides the support,
    Gateway determines the pricing.

    In Computer Hell:

    The management is from Apple,
    Microsoft does design and construction,
    IBM handles the marketing,
    The support is from Gateway,
    Intel sets the price.


    Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

  17. #42
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    inside wht
    Posts
    746

    Tintumon in english class

    Tintumon: Can I go to the toilet?
    English Teacher: Tintumon, MAY I go to the toilet?
    Tintumon: But I asked first!
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  18. #43
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Singapore
    Posts
    13
    A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

  19. #44
    ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
    Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".

  20. #45
    This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
    Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
    A: The customer had hiccups.

    I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.

  21. #46
    Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
    A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

  22. #47
    Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.

  23. #48
    Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.

    Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."

    Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."

    The $1.50 was returned without delay.

  24. #49
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    127.0.0.1
    Posts
    561
    Nice one, made me laugh
    If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research

  25. #50
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    CPU
    Posts
    2,187
    Keep it coming Sean9031
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