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Thread: Joke! Joke! Joke!
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03-16-2011, 03:14 PM #26Always Learning...
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EU to adopt English as preferred lang
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.Vinsar.Net - Quality Web Hosting at Economical Price on USA & European Servers
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03-17-2011, 04:49 AM #27Newbie
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A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".
"Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"
Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
"Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."
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03-17-2011, 06:49 AM #28Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Are you going to dance?
In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked; are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-17-2011, 07:30 AM #29Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER EXPERT
Husband: (came home late from office) Hello honey now I'm logged in."
Wife: "Did you bring the gift that i want?"
Husband: "Bad command or filename."
Wife: "But I already asked you this morning!"
Husband: "Errorneous syntax. Abort?"
Wife: "Then,how about buy new television?"
Husband: "Variable not found..."
Wife: "OK , I want your credit card,I'll shop by myself."
Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied..."
Wife: "do you love me better than your computer?or you just playing?"
Husband: "Too many parameters..."
Wife: "the worst mistake was I married with Idiot man like you!"
husband: "Data type mismatch."
Wife: "you're useless."
Husband: "It's by Default."
Wife: "how about your salary?"
husband: "File in use ... Try later."
Wife: "What i am in this family?"
Husband: "Unknown Virus."█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-17-2011, 07:33 AM #30Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-17-2011, 09:15 AM #31Junior Guru Wannabe
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03-17-2011, 10:43 AM #32WHT Addict
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Told to me by an Old Russian Painter. His accent made it even funnier.
Man and son go into the pharmacy, son sees condoms.
Son: Father, what are these? (pointing at three pack)
Father: Son those are for High School boy. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday
Son, pointing at six pack: And these?
Father: Son those are for College boy. Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, Two for Sunday.
Son, pointing at 12 pack: And these father?
Father: Son those are for Married Man, One for January, One for February, One for March....
I rolled.
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03-18-2011, 02:28 AM #33Disabled
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Nice joke shared by other users as well. These put some smile on my face. So thanks to all for sharing such funny jokes.
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03-18-2011, 02:41 AM #34WHT Addict
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03-18-2011, 04:43 AM #35Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Nevermind!...Nevermind!
The girl is shouting because she's being rape...Help! Help!
Rapist: Hey stop don't ask for help, I can do this myself!
Girl replied: Are you sure? okay! 'Nevermind! 'Nevermind!█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-18-2011, 04:44 AM #36Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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About Mind
Galileo: Great mind.
Einstein: Genius mind.
Newton: Extra ordinary mind.
Bill Gates: Brilliant mind.
ME? Never mind, as long as I’m cute, i don’t mind!█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-18-2011, 04:44 AM #37Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Extraordinary Wisdom
1. Don't judge a book for you are not a Judge.
2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
3. Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine.
4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-18-2011, 12:09 PM #38Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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I hurt all over
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-18-2011, 01:51 PM #39Aspiring Evangelist
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lolll it's make me grin, smile and some haha
nice thread!Last edited by craig joe; 03-18-2011 at 02:04 PM.
please cmiiw always
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03-26-2011, 09:59 PM #40Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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MISS: Doc, is your clinic open today for physical check up?
DOC: Sure, please come-in to my room.
(inside the Doctor's room)
DOC: Ok Miss, please remove all your clothes including your underwear so we can start the physical exam.
MISS: Ah...sorry Doc but its not me, its my grandma.
DOC: I see...ok grandma just take a deep breath (inhale, exhale)█ Ask for Server IP & Nameservers IP to check if your reseller provider truly provides 100% white-label.
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03-26-2011, 11:11 PM #41WHT Addict
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So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.
They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.
And one of them yells "It's hot in here!"
And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
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03-27-2011, 12:24 AM #42Web Hosting Master
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Tintumon in english class
Tintumon: Can I go to the toilet?
English Teacher: Tintumon, MAY I go to the toilet?
Tintumon: But I asked first!24x7 PROACTIVE SERVER MANAGEMENT | OUTSOURCED WEB HOSTING SUPPORT
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03-29-2011, 04:10 AM #43Newbie
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
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03-29-2011, 06:14 AM #44Newbie
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ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".
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03-29-2011, 06:21 AM #45Newbie
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This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.
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03-29-2011, 06:24 AM #46Newbie
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
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03-29-2011, 06:29 AM #47Newbie
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Once there was a blind. One day when he was walking, he stepped the head of the dog who was sleeping. The dog barked for a while. The blind man went on for miles, this time he stepped the other dog's tail, so this dog barked. The blind man had thought that it was the first dog, so he said in surprise, It's a wonder that the dog is so long.
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03-29-2011, 06:37 AM #48Newbie
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Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
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03-29-2011, 10:19 AM #49Web Hosting Master
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Nice one, made me laugh
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research
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03-29-2011, 10:57 AM #50Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Keep it coming Sean9031
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