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  1. #1
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    Joke! Joke! Joke!

    Funny, corny just share it here and laugh for a while

    Let me start...

    ------------------------------------

    Pizza Slices

    F: Sir your pizza is ready; would you like me to cut this in 4-slices or 8-slices?
    M: Make is 4-slices because I may not be able to eat the 8-slices

    ------------------------------------

    Let's Make Love


    Wife: Honey, I already feel dying and I think that this is my last night, Let's make love.
    Husband: Shut up! I still need to wake up early tomorrow and you are not.

    ------------------------------------

    He is a real man

    Father: Hey James, I very confident that my son is a real man.
    James replied...wow that's great! But how do you confirm that?
    Father: Look at him... he is the one managing our farm.
    (father called his son from a far...Eric, what are you planning to plant in our farm)
    Eric replied (high pitch tone)...Lots and lots of flowers papa

    ------------------------------------

    We are not using condom

    Ma'am Becca talking to her maid Nika:

    Nika, next time don't you even dare touching that box of condom that your Sir Jules and I are using.
    Nika: Ma'am please don't accuse me. Sir Jules and I are not using condom. How dare you accuse me

    ------------------------------------

    Safari Trip

    Husband1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary, what's your gift for her?
    Husband2: I will bring her to Africa.

    Husband1: Wow that's nice, what about next year what's your gift for her?
    Husband2: I will get her from Africa

    ------------------------------------

    DISCLAIMER: These are just jokes and please don't take it seriously.
    MOD, if this thread is inappropriate kindly delete. Thanks
    Last edited by Yujin; 03-08-2011 at 11:15 AM.
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  2. #2
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    One day when I was just roaming around Commercial Street, I saw that there were
    three parrots on sale trapped in beautiful cages. I couldn't stop myself from
    asking their prices. $1000/- prompt came the reply.



    $1000 for a parrot!!!!!

    Ya....its not an ordinary one. It can write programs in "C" and Cobol.

    Wow!!!....that's great!!! All three parrots cost the same? I enquired.

    No no, this one is $7000/-. Why, what more can it do then? It knows Java, "C"
    and can do Systems Programming.

    Haa...Haa...Haa!!!! What about the third one?

    Sorry it's very expensive. I doubt that you will be able to afford it.

    What nonsense??? I grumbled a little.

    Okay....Okay.... don't get upset, it costs $.32,000/- the shop keeper replied.


    $32,000/-! ! ! ! ! ! ! , amazing. Then what does it do???? My curiosity was
    at its peak now.



    Sorry....I have never seen him doing anything or even talking anything intelligent,
    just sitting and staring.......but the other two call him BOSS !!
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  3. #3
    what noise annoys an oyster?
    a noisy noise annoys an oyster!

  4. #4
    1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


    2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


    3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
    "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


    4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


    5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
    They always have the end in sight.


    6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
    Roamin' Catholic.


    7. What did the apple say to the orange?
    Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


    8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
    Take him out for a drag.


    9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
    Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


    10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

  5. #5
    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
    a turtle disaster.

    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
    I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
    said, "No, permanent."

    I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
    you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

    I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
    Volkswagen with no driver.

    Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
    T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
    hand."

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
    Before End'

    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
    "No, just a watch."

    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
    said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
    "You've got cholera."

    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
    it's P something T something R.

    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
    down.

    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
    went on and on.

    The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
    I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
    "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
    the custard."

    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
    He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
    I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
    anything."

    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
    outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

    This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
    first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
    been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
    say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
    managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
    asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
    cat in there.

    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
    shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
    two counts.

    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
    said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
    splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
    or Thursdays."

    I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
    Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
    He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"



    Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
    'No, the steaks are too high.'

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
    'Is it common?'
    'It's not unusual.'

    Howe did Tommy Cooper die?
    Just like that!

    A man with piles went to Boots for some haemmoroid cream
    9.95 please said the girl.
    You know where you can stick that he said AND LEFT!!!!!!!!!

    Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.?
    Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
    wrong, they said I was responsible.

  6. #6
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    I Can Hear Clearly Now

    Joe: I just bought a new hearing aid and I can hear clearly now.
    Pat: Really! how much is it?
    Joe: Yesterday
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by itajooba View Post
    One day when I was just roaming around Commercial Street, I saw that there were
    three parrots on sale trapped in beautiful cages. I couldn't stop myself from
    asking their prices. $1000/- prompt came the reply.



    $1000 for a parrot!!!!!

    Ya....its not an ordinary one. It can write programs in "C" and Cobol.

    Wow!!!....that's great!!! All three parrots cost the same? I enquired.

    No no, this one is $7000/-. Why, what more can it do then? It knows Java, "C"
    and can do Systems Programming.

    Haa...Haa...Haa!!!! What about the third one?

    Sorry it's very expensive. I doubt that you will be able to afford it.

    What nonsense??? I grumbled a little.

    Okay....Okay.... don't get upset, it costs $.32,000/- the shop keeper replied.


    $32,000/-! ! ! ! ! ! ! , amazing. Then what does it do???? My curiosity was
    at its peak now.



    Sorry....I have never seen him doing anything or even talking anything intelligent,
    just sitting and staring.......but the other two call him BOSS !!
    Easiest to become the boss! They get paid for doing nothing!

  8. #8
    Haha! Thanks for the laughs!
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  9. #9
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    Will Power

    Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power.
    At 43, quits drinking. Will Power.
    At 53, quits gambling. Will Power.
    At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Will Power

    Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power.
    At 43, quits drinking. Will Power.
    At 53, quits gambling. Will Power.
    At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.
    Now that sounds like an unfortunate "power" failure!

  11. #11
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    haha nice sharing ,1st list of jokes are so funny

  12. #12
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    Lady and Priest

    Lady asked: Father, you are so handsome...why do you have to become a priest?
    Priest replied: Because my parents refused me to become a nun! Oh my gosh!
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  13. #13
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    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
    GENERAL: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
    GENERAL: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
    GENERAL: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even
    touch a firearm.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
    GENERAL: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
    The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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  14. #14
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    Security Guard

    Airforce: "No guts, No glory!"
    Marines: "No retreat, No surrender!"
    Army: "No pain, No gain!"
    Security Guards: "No I.D, No entry!"
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  15. #15
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    Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...


    "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

    "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

    "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
    paradigm."

    "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

    "Damn! Why did you interrupt me?
    I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

    "The coffee machine is broken..."

    "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
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  16. #16
    The tomato says "I've got the worst life, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

    The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

    The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by OleJohnny View Post
    The tomato says "I've got the worst life, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

    The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

    The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
    Hahaha...that is so green my man
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  18. #18
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    Softdrinks

    Dad: Son, can you buy me a soft drinks.
    Son: Coke o Pepsi?
    Dad: Coke!
    Son: Diet o Regular?
    Dad: Regular!
    Son: Bottle Or Can?
    Dad: Bottle!
    Son: 8oz. or 1 Liter?
    Dad: Bull****, just give me water!
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  19. #19
    did you hwear about the clown that got the sack from the circus?
    He is suing them for funfair dismissal!

    How do you kill a circus?
    go for the Juggler!

  20. #20
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    Little Nancy

    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

    Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

    The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f****ng cat."
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  21. #21
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    5 Tips for a Happy Man's Life

    1. To have a girl to help you at work,
    2. ...Have a girl to take care & love you.
    3. ...Have a girl who can make you laugh.
    4. ...Have a girl who spoils you.

    Lastly

    5. Make sure these FOUR girls don't know each other.
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  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    5 Tips for a Happy Man's Life

    1. To have a girl to help you at work,
    2. ...Have a girl to take care & love you.
    3. ...Have a girl who can make you laugh.
    4. ...Have a girl who spoils you.

    Lastly

    5. Make sure these FOUR girls don't know each other.
    LOL at the last point.

  23. #23
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    I don't recall where I'd originally read this, but:
    I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
    having worked in tech support, I've had many quite similar experiences myself.
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  24. #24
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    Pancakes

    Mom: Doc, what can I do if my son penis is a bit small?
    Doc: Oh that's easy. Let him eat some pancake.

    (The next day mom cooks 10 pancakes)

    Son: Wow! there's a lot of pancakes!
    Mom: Hey, just eat 3-pancakes and let your Dad eat the rest.
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  25. #25
    so far the best joke i've read was about the third parrot
    thanks for the laugh

  26. #26
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    EU to adopt English as preferred lang

    The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
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  27. #27
    A man had front row tickets behind home plate at the World Series, when another guy comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Nope", he replied, "that seat is empty".

    "Whoah! That's crazy!", said the guy. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Series, the biggest day in all of baseball, and not even bother show up?"

    Sadly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series we've missed since we got married in 1964."

    "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shame. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

    "Nah," the man replies as he shakes his head, "they're all at the funeral."

  28. #28
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    Are you going to dance?

    In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and asked; are you going to dance??
    The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
    "yes" and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"
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  29. #29
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    IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER EXPERT

    Husband: (came home late from office) Hello honey now I'm logged in."
    Wife: "Did you bring the gift that i want?"
    Husband: "Bad command or filename."
    Wife: "But I already asked you this morning!"
    Husband: "Errorneous syntax. Abort?"
    Wife: "Then,how about buy new television?"
    Husband: "Variable not found..."
    Wife: "OK , I want your credit card,I'll shop by myself."
    Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied..."
    Wife: "do you love me better than your computer?or you just playing?"
    Husband: "Too many parameters..."
    Wife: "the worst mistake was I married with Idiot man like you!"
    husband: "Data type mismatch."
    Wife: "you're useless."
    Husband: "It's by Default."
    Wife: "how about your salary?"
    husband: "File in use ... Try later."
    Wife: "What i am in this family?"
    Husband: "Unknown Virus."
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  30. #30
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    Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
    Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
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  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Man: I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in six months.
    Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
    Where did he find such a wife. Divorce her, i will take her

  32. #32
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    Told to me by an Old Russian Painter. His accent made it even funnier.

    Man and son go into the pharmacy, son sees condoms.
    Son: Father, what are these? (pointing at three pack)
    Father: Son those are for High School boy. One for Friday, one for Saturday, one for Sunday
    Son, pointing at six pack: And these?
    Father: Son those are for College boy. Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, Two for Sunday.
    Son, pointing at 12 pack: And these father?
    Father: Son those are for Married Man, One for January, One for February, One for March....

    I rolled.

  33. #33
    Nice joke shared by other users as well. These put some smile on my face. So thanks to all for sharing such funny jokes.

  34. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPUTER EXPERT

    Husband: (came home late from office) Hello honey now I'm logged in."
    Wife: "Did you bring the gift that i want?"
    Husband: "Bad command or filename."
    Wife: "But I already asked you this morning!"
    Husband: "Errorneous syntax. Abort?"
    Wife: "Then,how about buy new television?"
    Husband: "Variable not found..."
    Wife: "OK , I want your credit card,I'll shop by myself."
    Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied..."
    Wife: "do you love me better than your computer?or you just playing?"
    Husband: "Too many parameters..."
    Wife: "the worst mistake was I married with Idiot man like you!"
    husband: "Data type mismatch."
    Wife: "you're useless."
    Husband: "It's by Default."
    Wife: "how about your salary?"
    husband: "File in use ... Try later."
    Wife: "What i am in this family?"
    Husband: "Unknown Virus."

    HAHA love this one.

  35. #35
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    Nevermind!...Nevermind!

    The girl is shouting because she's being rape...Help! Help!
    Rapist: Hey stop don't ask for help, I can do this myself!
    Girl replied: Are you sure? okay! 'Nevermind! 'Nevermind!
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  36. #36
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    About Mind

    Galileo: Great mind.
    Einstein: Genius mind.
    Newton: Extra ordinary mind.
    Bill Gates: Brilliant mind.
    ME? Never mind, as long as I’m cute, i don’t mind!
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  37. #37
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    Extraordinary Wisdom

    1. Don't judge a book for you are not a Judge.
    2. Birds of the same feathers are the same birds.
    3. Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you mine.
    4. An apple a day is 7 apples a week.
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  38. #38
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    I hurt all over

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

    "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor."You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

    "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

    The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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  39. #39
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    418
    lolll it's make me grin, smile and some haha

    nice thread!
    Last edited by craig joe; 03-18-2011 at 02:04 PM.
    please cmiiw always

  40. #40
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    MISS: Doc, is your clinic open today for physical check up?
    DOC: Sure, please come-in to my room.

    (inside the Doctor's room)

    DOC: Ok Miss, please remove all your clothes including your underwear so we can start the physical exam.
    MISS: Ah...sorry Doc but its not me, its my grandma.
    DOC: I see...ok grandma just take a deep breath (inhale, exhale)
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