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  1. #1
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    Joke! Joke! Joke!

    Funny, corny just share it here and laugh for a while

    Let me start...

    ------------------------------------

    Pizza Slices

    F: Sir your pizza is ready; would you like me to cut this in 4-slices or 8-slices?
    M: Make is 4-slices because I may not be able to eat the 8-slices

    ------------------------------------

    Let's Make Love


    Wife: Honey, I already feel dying and I think that this is my last night, Let's make love.
    Husband: Shut up! I still need to wake up early tomorrow and you are not.

    ------------------------------------

    He is a real man

    Father: Hey James, I very confident that my son is a real man.
    James replied...wow that's great! But how do you confirm that?
    Father: Look at him... he is the one managing our farm.
    (father called his son from a far...Eric, what are you planning to plant in our farm)
    Eric replied (high pitch tone)...Lots and lots of flowers papa

    ------------------------------------

    We are not using condom

    Ma'am Becca talking to her maid Nika:

    Nika, next time don't you even dare touching that box of condom that your Sir Jules and I are using.
    Nika: Ma'am please don't accuse me. Sir Jules and I are not using condom. How dare you accuse me

    ------------------------------------

    Safari Trip

    Husband1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary, what's your gift for her?
    Husband2: I will bring her to Africa.

    Husband1: Wow that's nice, what about next year what's your gift for her?
    Husband2: I will get her from Africa

    ------------------------------------

    DISCLAIMER: These are just jokes and please don't take it seriously.
    MOD, if this thread is inappropriate kindly delete. Thanks
    Last edited by Yujin; 03-08-2011 at 11:15 AM.
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  2. #2
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    One day when I was just roaming around Commercial Street, I saw that there were
    three parrots on sale trapped in beautiful cages. I couldn't stop myself from
    asking their prices. $1000/- prompt came the reply.



    $1000 for a parrot!!!!!

    Ya....its not an ordinary one. It can write programs in "C" and Cobol.

    Wow!!!....that's great!!! All three parrots cost the same? I enquired.

    No no, this one is $7000/-. Why, what more can it do then? It knows Java, "C"
    and can do Systems Programming.

    Haa...Haa...Haa!!!! What about the third one?

    Sorry it's very expensive. I doubt that you will be able to afford it.

    What nonsense??? I grumbled a little.

    Okay....Okay.... don't get upset, it costs $.32,000/- the shop keeper replied.


    $32,000/-! ! ! ! ! ! ! , amazing. Then what does it do???? My curiosity was
    at its peak now.



    Sorry....I have never seen him doing anything or even talking anything intelligent,
    just sitting and staring.......but the other two call him BOSS !!

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by itajooba View Post
    One day when I was just roaming around Commercial Street, I saw that there were
    three parrots on sale trapped in beautiful cages. I couldn't stop myself from
    asking their prices. $1000/- prompt came the reply.



    $1000 for a parrot!!!!!

    Ya....its not an ordinary one. It can write programs in "C" and Cobol.

    Wow!!!....that's great!!! All three parrots cost the same? I enquired.

    No no, this one is $7000/-. Why, what more can it do then? It knows Java, "C"
    and can do Systems Programming.

    Haa...Haa...Haa!!!! What about the third one?

    Sorry it's very expensive. I doubt that you will be able to afford it.

    What nonsense??? I grumbled a little.

    Okay....Okay.... don't get upset, it costs $.32,000/- the shop keeper replied.


    $32,000/-! ! ! ! ! ! ! , amazing. Then what does it do???? My curiosity was
    at its peak now.



    Sorry....I have never seen him doing anything or even talking anything intelligent,
    just sitting and staring.......but the other two call him BOSS !!
    Easiest to become the boss! They get paid for doing nothing!

  4. #4
    what noise annoys an oyster?
    a noisy noise annoys an oyster!

  5. #5
    1. Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.


    2. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


    3. "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
    "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."


    4. What's brown and sticky? A stick.


    5. Why are proctologists so gloomy?
    They always have the end in sight.


    6. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
    Roamin' Catholic.


    7. What did the apple say to the orange?
    Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.


    8. What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
    Take him out for a drag.


    9. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
    Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


    10. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"

  6. #6
    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
    a turtle disaster.

    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
    I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
    said, "No, permanent."

    I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
    you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

    I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
    Volkswagen with no driver.

    Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
    T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
    hand."

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
    Before End'

    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
    "No, just a watch."

    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
    said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
    "You've got cholera."

    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
    it's P something T something R.

    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
    down.

    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
    went on and on.

    The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
    I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
    "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
    the custard."

    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
    He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
    I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
    anything."

    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
    outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

    This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
    first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
    been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
    say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
    managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
    asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
    cat in there.

    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
    shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
    two counts.

    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
    said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
    splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
    or Thursdays."

    I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
    Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
    He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"



    Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
    'No, the steaks are too high.'

    My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
    The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

    I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

    Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
    'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
    'Is it common?'
    'It's not unusual.'

    Howe did Tommy Cooper die?
    Just like that!

    A man with piles went to Boots for some haemmoroid cream
    £9.95 please said the girl.
    You know where you can stick that he said AND LEFT!!!!!!!!!

    Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible.?
    Applicant: I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
    wrong, they said I was responsible.

  7. #7
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    I Can Hear Clearly Now

    Joe: I just bought a new hearing aid and I can hear clearly now.
    Pat: Really! how much is it?
    Joe: Yesterday
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  8. #8
    Haha! Thanks for the laughs!
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  9. #9
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    Will Power

    Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power.
    At 43, quits drinking. Will Power.
    At 53, quits gambling. Will Power.
    At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Will Power

    Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power.
    At 43, quits drinking. Will Power.
    At 53, quits gambling. Will Power.
    At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.
    Now that sounds like an unfortunate "power" failure!

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Will Power

    Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power.
    At 43, quits drinking. Will Power.
    At 53, quits gambling. Will Power.
    At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.
    Hahahahahahahahahah
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  12. #12
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    hahahahahahaha

    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Will Power

    Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power.
    At 43, quits drinking. Will Power.
    At 53, quits gambling. Will Power.
    At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

  13. #13
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    haha nice sharing ,1st list of jokes are so funny

  14. #14
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    Lady and Priest

    Lady asked: Father, you are so handsome...why do you have to become a priest?
    Priest replied: Because my parents refused me to become a nun! Oh my gosh!
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  15. #15
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    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
    GENERAL: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
    GENERAL: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
    GENERAL: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even
    touch a firearm.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
    GENERAL: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
    The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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  16. #16
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    Security Guard

    Airforce: "No guts, No glory!"
    Marines: "No retreat, No surrender!"
    Army: "No pain, No gain!"
    Security Guards: "No I.D, No entry!"
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  17. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Yujin View Post
    Security Guard

    Airforce: "No guts, No glory!"
    Marines: "No retreat, No surrender!"
    Army: "No pain, No gain!"
    Security Guards: "No I.D, No entry!"
    This one is very funny!

    Check this:

    One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

    On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

    My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

  18. #18
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    Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...


    "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

    "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

    "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
    paradigm."

    "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

    "Damn! Why did you interrupt me?
    I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

    "The coffee machine is broken..."

    "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
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  19. #19
    Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -Anonymous

  20. #20
    The tomato says "I've got the worst life, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

    The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

    The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by OleJohnny View Post
    The tomato says "I've got the worst life, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

    The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

    The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
    Hahaha...that is so green my man
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  22. #22
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    Softdrinks

    Dad: Son, can you buy me a soft drinks.
    Son: Coke o Pepsi?
    Dad: Coke!
    Son: Diet o Regular?
    Dad: Regular!
    Son: Bottle Or Can?
    Dad: Bottle!
    Son: 8oz. or 1 Liter?
    Dad: Bull****, just give me water!
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  23. #23
    did you hwear about the clown that got the sack from the circus?
    He is suing them for funfair dismissal!

    How do you kill a circus?
    go for the Juggler!

  24. #24
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    Little Nancy

    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

    Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

    The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f****ng cat."
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  25. #25
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    5 Tips for a Happy Man's Life

    1. To have a girl to help you at work,
    2. ...Have a girl to take care & love you.
    3. ...Have a girl who can make you laugh.
    4. ...Have a girl who spoils you.

    Lastly

    5. Make sure these FOUR girls don't know each other.
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