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Thread: Joke! Joke! Joke!
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01-21-2012, 09:57 AM #76Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Answered prayer?...
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01-22-2012, 04:26 AM #77Newbie
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An Old Man
An eldery patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.
Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."
Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"
You Can Be The Man of the House
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The ******* funeral director would be my first guess."
Husband Programmer
A wife tolds a husband (programmer) to go to supermarket saying: "Go for buns and if they have eggs as well, take 10 of them." Husband goes to the shop and asks: "Do you have eggs?" Salesman : "Yes, of course" Husband: "Well, so give me 10 buns, please."
I hope you understand this joke
What???
Son: Hey mom can I play Xbox?
Mom: ****, MARY IS COMING OVER AND I FORGOT TO CLEAN
Son: Excuse me? Mom?
Mom: huh, what??
Son: Can I play Xbox??
(doorbell)
Mom: WHAT DID YOU SAY???
Son: Mom I just wana play a little Xbox
Mom: WHEN IS YOUR SISTER GETTING HOME???
Son: She's upstairs on the phone?
Mom: ANSWER ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!
Son: Mom your hearing aid isnt turned up.....
Mom: WHAT?
Son: MOM UR ******* HEARING AID ISNT TURNED UP TURN IT THE **** UP AND CAN I PLAY SOME ******* XBOX JESUS CHRIST......oh and Marys here.Last edited by anon-e-mouse; 01-22-2012 at 05:35 AM. Reason: merged posts
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01-23-2012, 05:06 AM #78WHT Addict
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~ Polish Remover~~~
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01-23-2012, 05:19 AM #79Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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01-23-2012, 06:54 AM #80Web Hosting Master
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01-23-2012, 09:58 AM #81Junior Guru Wannabe
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Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other
one. He screams,
“I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first guy yells again,
“I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!!”
The other says, “Go home Dad, you’re drunk.”
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01-23-2012, 10:29 AM #82WHT Addict
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I like the parrot, employer, and the radio interview..
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02-15-2012, 09:52 PM #83Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Man to a super cute air hostess: What’s your name?
Air Hostess: Eva Benz
Man: Lovely name. Any relationship with Mercedes Benz?
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02-16-2012, 09:25 AM #84Disabled
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My wife and I were happy 20 years ago.. then we married! =))
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02-28-2012, 03:11 AM #85Newbie
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"My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met"
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03-07-2012, 05:39 AM #86Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Really Crazy - lol!
Really Crazy - lol!
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03-07-2012, 10:36 AM #87Newbie
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"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep
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03-08-2012, 10:29 PM #88Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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Mr. Cloud
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03-09-2012, 10:03 AM #89Web Hosting Guru
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03-13-2012, 05:54 AM #90WHT Addict
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06-06-2012, 10:09 PM #91Always Ask...Don't Pretend!
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06-06-2012, 10:29 PM #92is a threadkiller
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Here's a few... A couple are probably a little racy.
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like
an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance
number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude
and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the
archangel, found him resting on the seventh day..
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look, Michael Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a
continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will
be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Pennsylvania, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
carriers of peace and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But
what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Not very far from Pennsylvania is Washington DC.
Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
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This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has
left him a note "Off to the grocery store".
He hasn't been getting any from her, so he decides this is
his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.
He puts the video in, and starts masturbating.
He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in,
drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life.
Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.
The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened.
After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen
where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes.
He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of
a sudden you come in...... what happened?!".
To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning.
I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."
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A boy and his grandfather decide to go fishing one afternoon. So they
grab their gear and head out for the lake.
A half hour goes by and grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking.
The boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a drink of your beer?" and grandpa
replies, "Well I don't know. Does your pecker wrap around and touch your
butthole?"
The boy responds with, "No grandpa it doesn't."
So grandpa tells him that he can't have a drink.
A while later grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts smoking it.
The boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?" and grandpa
asks the boy the same question, only to get the same response again.
A while goes by and the little boy pulls out 2 huge chocolate chip
cookies and starts eating them.
This time grandpa asks, "Boy that sure looks delicious, can I have one
of those cookies?"
The boy then asks, "I don't know grandpa, does your pecker wrap around
and touch your butthole?"
The grandpa gets a big smile and says, "It sure does!"
The boy then says, "Then go f*** yourself, grandma made these for me!"
EnjoyDon't like what I say? Ignore me.
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06-08-2012, 04:13 AM #93Newbie
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. -Anonymous
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