Travis
04-01-2001, 03:39 AM
BOISE, ID, April 1, 2001: In a move that has shocked industry insiders, QWK.Net, LLC has announced plans to acquire virtually all significant competitors to its popular web service brands.
When asked how the company was able to facilitate the purchase of nearly every competitor in the entire industry, company president Travis Burnside had the following to say:
"It's simple, really. The web hosting end of the business has just been something to keep our sysadmins from getting carpal tunnel syndrome from playing too much Quake, and then suing us for bad workplace ergonomics. Our real research the past few years has been focused on modifications to the SMTP standard that we call 'temporal diversion headers.'"
"With this exciting new technology, we were able to actually alter the temporal properties of the individual electrons that compose the e-mail message on a quantum level. Development staff thought it would be cute to intial test messages to approximately 1960, before the death of Austrian mathematician Erwin Schrödinger. Obviously, though, such initial exercises provided amusement but were of little practical value. Of much greater practical value was the message we received about a year ago, though, before we entered initial testing on the technology. We can only assume we sent it to ourselves, but in any case, the short, cryptic message was quite useful: 'SHORT SELL .COM'"
Further updates will be available once the formation of QWK.Net We-Host-Everything-Whether-You-Like-Mergers-And-Acquisitions-Or-Not, LLC is complete.
When asked how the company was able to facilitate the purchase of nearly every competitor in the entire industry, company president Travis Burnside had the following to say:
"It's simple, really. The web hosting end of the business has just been something to keep our sysadmins from getting carpal tunnel syndrome from playing too much Quake, and then suing us for bad workplace ergonomics. Our real research the past few years has been focused on modifications to the SMTP standard that we call 'temporal diversion headers.'"
"With this exciting new technology, we were able to actually alter the temporal properties of the individual electrons that compose the e-mail message on a quantum level. Development staff thought it would be cute to intial test messages to approximately 1960, before the death of Austrian mathematician Erwin Schrödinger. Obviously, though, such initial exercises provided amusement but were of little practical value. Of much greater practical value was the message we received about a year ago, though, before we entered initial testing on the technology. We can only assume we sent it to ourselves, but in any case, the short, cryptic message was quite useful: 'SHORT SELL .COM'"
Further updates will be available once the formation of QWK.Net We-Host-Everything-Whether-You-Like-Mergers-And-Acquisitions-Or-Not, LLC is complete.