Sorry guys, I am not making a habit of this, but Deano sent me this, and I just could not resist
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Sent: Sunday, March 11, 2001 5:57 PM
Subject: Technical Support Query


Dear Tech Support


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new
program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and
valuable resources. No mention of this was phenomenon was included in the
product brochure.


In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday
football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.


I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some
of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstaller does not work on this program.


Can you please help me ?!?!?!?!?!?


Thanks,


A TROUBLED USER




Dear TROUBLED USER,


This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with
the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0
is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.


It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 and so nothing is gained. It is impossible
to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once
installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not
designed to do this.


Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0, or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings,
Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the
situation.


I suggest installing background application 'C:\YES DEAR' to alleviate software
augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)". You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless
of their cause.



The best course of action will be to enter the command 'C:\APOLOGIZE'. In any
case avoid excessive use of 'C:\YES DEAR' because ultimately you may have to
give the 'C:\APOLOGIZE' command before the operating system will return to
normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.



Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers
3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with
Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely
to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of Luck,


Tech Support

Now i like that one Carlos thats better the the god one a few days ago..LOL

hmm well yeah, it's funny.

LOL!!!

That one I've seen previously ;)

hehehe :D

Originally posted by CRego3D
Sorry guys, I am not making a habit of this, but Deano sent me this, and I just could not resist
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Keep them coming! Noting like a good laugh at 2:52AM :)

here is one my sister showed me:
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An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were only given female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain. So he decided to divide the class into two groups, males in one and females in another, and asked them to decide if a computer should be feminine or masculine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1.) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2.) They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3.) They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4.) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to as feminine because:
1.) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2.) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3.) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4.) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

:D

[Edited by Elena on 03-27-2001 at 12:51 AM]

LOL!!!!

Slight mistake, Elena. That should be
The group of men concluded that computers should be referred to as feminine

oops.. :o corrected :D

It's funny...

In order to assure the highest levels of quality and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you are not receiving your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed on the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and they are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURED LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)

If you have any other questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING, (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

LOL.. vizi that's a good one :D

Hehe, that was a good one vizi. It reminds me of one of those I was sent a few years ago. It was something like "Millenium Year Associated Service Support", or MYASS. I don't think I have it anymore. Did anyone else get it?

Hehehehe.....

Originally posted by Vincent Paglione
Hehe, that was a good one vizi. It reminds me of one of those I was sent a few years ago. It was something like "Millenium Year Associated Service Support", or MYASS. I don't think I have it anymore. Did anyone else get it?

Yep just found it..


This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be
Year 2000 compliant. known as:

"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We
will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an
opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a
time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked
into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried
in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in
MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that
it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again,
and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial
installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In
the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you
begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS
grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to
hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

LOL! That's the one. :)

One someone sent me... sure you've seen it, but I've seen the others and still snickered, so here goes:

Unwritten rules from that highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff of a computer support department near you...

1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your
system and then say you're not in front of your computer
when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing
is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal
operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips
you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can
be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know
anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust
me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the
minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is
broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who
know computers don't call us.

4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are
computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us
with your call. This pisses us off more than 3. Chiming in
with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the
already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an
unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some
damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

5. DO NOT (in addition to 4) say acronyms you don't know
the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that
you're completely lost and leave the techno bull**** to us.

6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might
seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad
annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can
only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just
because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't
absolve you of the offense.

7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell
you something different than the first one did. If one of
us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The
second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you
the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you
really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your
computer has the functionality of a house plant.

8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't
think this would need to actually be said, but believe me
it's come up. For goodness sakes, if you can't control
yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy
to offer us some.

9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as
if your computer suddenly was inspired to break for no
reason. Simply admit what you did to cause this, so we can
help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your
pride will only make it worse, because we will find out
what you did anyway, and then we will REALLY be annoyed at
you for wasting our time.

10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple
aspects of using a computer. If you can't figure out the
difference between a right-click and a double-click, then
you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If
you insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you
can pay us $35 an hour to teach you, because we won't do
it for free.

It's good to see we all have a decent sense of humor.

Chicken,


I am deeply offended by your so-called joke. Just last week I called tech support to report several problems with my newly-purchased desktop machine and found the "tekkies"to be every bit as flippant as your post. The problems, moreover, are hardly unique to me: Their pervasiveness has been reported by no less an authority than the Wall Street Journal (in an article by Jim Carlton), so I would now hope that people like "my support" dept will take these very serious issues to heart

1. The computer is illiterate: "Cannot read A." How is that my problem?

2. The computer is abusive, calling me such names as "Bad" and "Invalid."

3. The illiterate, abusive machine keeps ordering me to "press any key." Fine. I don't see any key that says "any" on it (unlike my computer, I can read, thank you). Where the hell is it, smart guys?

4. Damned computer can't even fax a simple letter. In my more than fifty attempts, holding the paper flush with the screen and hitting "send," not ONCE has any fax gone through.

5. The mouse is virtually impossible to control with the dust cover on it. You'd think that these geeks could come up with something better than clear plastic dust covers.

6. "Support" did finally ask me to send them copies of my defective disks, but failed to do anything even after I sent the xerox copies.


Again, these are serious problems that the uppity "support" people need to address immediately. And don't tell me I don't know the difference between my PC, which is hardware, and MYASS, which is software.

Just fired off chicken's tech support mantra to half the people in my address book. Made sure it only involved the clients of mine I know have a good sense of humor... :)

Greg Moore

Could be a good section on the site (support or FAQ) heh.