> When I die, I want to die like my grandmother
> who died peacefully in her sleep.
> Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
> Author Unknown.
>
> "It's so long since I've had sex,
> I've forgotten who ties up whom."
> Joan Rivers.
>
> "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at
> airports I'd have no sex life at all."
> Rodney Dangerfield.
>
> "Sex is one of the most wholesome,
> beautiful and natural experiences
> that money can buy."
> Steve Martin.
>
> "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night
> "you're a pervert". I said,'that's
> a big word for a girl of fifteen'."
> Emo Philips.
>
> "My wife is a sex object.
> Everytime I ask for sex, she objects."
> Les Dawson.
>
> "I'm such a good lover because
> I practice a lot on my own."
> Woody Allen.
>
> "My love life is terrible.
> The last time I was inside a woman was
> when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
> Woody Allen.
>
> "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing
> between two people.Between five,it's fantastic."
> Woody Allen.
>
> "There are a number of mechanical devices that
> increase sexual arousal,particularly in women.
> Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible." Unknown.
>
> "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until
> you get older.Little things like being spanked
> every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay
> good money for in later life."
> Emo Philips.
>
> "Instead of getting married again,
> I'm going to find a woman I don't like
> and just give her a house."
> Steven Seagal.
>
> "See, the problem is that God
> gives men a brain and a penis,
> and only enough blood to run one at a time."
> Robin Williams.
>
>
> "My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
> but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
> Jerry Seinfeld.
>
> "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> Monogamy is the same."
> Oscar Wilde.
>
> "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension
> and you get a headache,do what it says on
> the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
> "Keep away from children".
> A Mum.
>
> In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf
> was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward
the
> people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated
the
> 9/11 attacks on America. His answer was a classic; Schwartzkopf
said: "I
> believe that forgiving them is God's function.Our job is simply to
arrange
> the meeting."

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

- Jack Handy

By the time you read this you have already read it.

-WoodShedd

"I don't curse, I don't smoke, I don't drink. Fu*k I left my smokes at the bar" :D

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."

former Philadelphia mayor Frank Rizzo.

"When you come to the fork in the road...take it."

Yogi Berra

"When there's steam comin' off your head at minus-20 degrees...that's football."

The always-confusing John Madden

"I think if Jesus were real, he and I could have a few beers together."

Mike Tyson, devout Muslim and apparent alcoholic

And my all-time favourite quote,

"I did not commit a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law".

David Dinkins

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman." -- Bill Clinton

"That's the whole point of eBay -- connecting idiots around the world." - my brother, after I informed him that only an idiot would buy his car for the price he wanted.

I think most of my favourite quotes come from the mouth of the world's favourite goon, George Bush.


-"The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!"

-"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

-"They misunderestimated me."

and my three favorites in no particular order

=Our nation must come together to unite.

= "It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."

= You ****ing son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this. (said to Wall Street Journal columnist Al Hunt)

My favorite Bush quote would have to be:

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator"

http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0012/18/nd.01.html

Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno

"To be a cop you need a high IQ...that is why their are 2 in every car" :D
-Don't remember

"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men."
-Isaac Asimov.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
-Dennis Ritchie.

"64K ought to be enough for anyone"