... Please reply here with your best jokes instead of spamming the "WebHotingTalk Lounge" :D :rolleyes:

Ok I will start:

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge
your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".

:D :D :D

Ok,

what do you call a fly with no wings?



A walk. or a raisin:D

LOL + Blah/Yuk... just ate raisins in my breakfast :puke:

Ok another one then:

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?" :rolleyes:

A man walks into the same bar and says "ouch"

Three blondes walk into the same bar. You would've thought at least one of them would see it.

I'm Catholic so I don't feel as bad saying it, but:

What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Acne waits until a boy turns 13 to come in his face.

Oh yeah, and...

Why did the women love Jesus?

*Spread arms like I'm hung on a cross*
Because Jesus was hung like this.

Look at http://pics.gngsta.com/random/jesus.jpg if you don't get the hands thing.

... ok another one from moi then: :D

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is
again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the ****ing wall!"

:D :D :D

whats red and invisible?



No tomatoes.:D

I have more fun in the unOfficial "pre Jokes Forum"











:D

If it's invisible it can't be red.

I'll see you in hell ShareFile! :)

"I have more fun in the unOfficial "pre Jokes Forum""

LOL good one
:D

Now here's a good short one.Why is santa so fat? couse he only comes once a year.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Yoiu can't get kids to eat broccoli.

Ok this is a good one...

3 blondes are stranded on a island and they find a magic lamp.

The first blonde rubs the lamp and the guinie appears. She says "I wish that I was a smarter so I could get off this island" POOF! She turned into a red head and took a log and floated off the island.

The secone blonde does the same thing but says "I wish I was even smarter so I could get off this island" POOF! She turns into a brunette, builds a raft and rows off the island.

The third blonde does the same thing but says "I wish I were even smater than those two so I can get off this island" POOF! She turns into a man and walks over the bridge.

:D :D :D

... and now anotherone from me then:

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the
other is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from
the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom."

The cashier responds, "Well, they must be for your sister
then?"

The nine year old says, "Nope, not for my sister either."

By this time, the cashier was curious. "Oh. Well, if they're not
for your mom and they're not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says, "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised. "Your four-year-old little brother?"

So the nine year old explains, "Well yeah, they say on TV if you
wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

:D :D :D

I see were in compitition now eh?

Three men went to heaven. St. Peter let them into heaven and they started to walk off when St. Peter said that heaven is a very large place and that they should not walk. He said that you were given transportation according to how faithful you were to your spouse.

St. Peter ask all three of them "How faithful were you to your wife?"

The first man said,"I cheated on her about 7 times."
and St. Peter said "O.k. you get a 94 volvo."

The second man said, "I cheated on her about 3 times."
and St. Peter said "O.k. you get a 97 cadillac."

The third man said, "I have always been faithful."
and St. Peter said "O.k. you get a 2000 lamborghini."

The man in the lamborghini was seen sitting on the side of the road in his car crying. The other two men drove by and asked him "What was wrong, you got the best car of all?"
The man replied, "I just passed my wife. She was on roller blades."

... he probably had his reasons :D

_______________________

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

:D :D :D

Three men were walking through the jungle and were captured by these cannibals. The chief cannibal said, if you want to be released, you must each go out and pick 10 fruits,
then they come back for further instructions.

So the first man comes back with 10 apples .The chief says, you must shove each apple up your but, but you can't show any emotion (LAUGHING CRYING ETC.), Or we'll eat you. The man gets 8 up his but and starts screaming in pain so the eat him.

The next man comes back with 10 berries( THINKING IT WILL BE EASY W/ BERRIES). He puts 8 then 9 then he loks up and starts laughing HISTERICALLY!. So they eat him.

When the man goes to heaven god asks him "Why did you laugh" the man replies "I looked up and saw the last guy picking pineapples"


:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

LOL some good jokes coming through in here

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

LOL good one mester

Dear Tech support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4,1.
Conversion 8.0 no longer runs and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperately Seeking Solution.


Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is a operating system. Try to enter the command c:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2 Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the aplication: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.

Keep in mind that over use can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 and Beer 6.1 Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or re- install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to program: Girlfriend 9.2 which runs in the background and has been known to introduce serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summery, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boobjob 3.6D and that old standby... Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,

Tech Support

HAHAHAHA Defiant now that's funny.

Yea the funny part is that my husband of less than a year gave it to me the other day shortly after I was bithching at him about his laundry!

LOL atleast the sense of humor is still there :D congrats on the marriage.

man those are some good jokes share file, i like the second one with the wife dying!
i'm still cracking up!

Originally posted by coolguy23
man those are some good jokes share file, i like the second one with the wife dying!
i'm still cracking up!

..and more shall come 10 to be precise :D :cool: ;) :

1) Sex is math:
Add 2 bodies,
Subtract the clothes,
Divide the legs and multiply!!!

2) LITTLE GIRL: Mommy,I just found out that our neighbor's son has
penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!

3) A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole,and she was happy with the thing.

4) Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?
2% eat.
3% smoke cigarettes.
4% take shower.
5% go to sleep.
86% get up and go back home to their wives.

5) Johnnie Cochran definition of a KISS:
It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION
that will lead to further PENETRATION
with fast ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.

6) A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.

7) Womens' top 5 lies:
- I am a virgin.
- It is so big.
- I can't do that to my best friend.
- I won't gain weight after marriage.
- I am coming I am coming!!!

8)Why is your dick better than a credit card?
- Once spent it it recharges itself.
- It is accepted worldwide.
- You can let your wife use it as much as she wants
as well as your mistresses.

9) A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go Home,****,and then you disappear.

10) What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY...
It comes once a month,lasts 4 or 5 days,
and if it doesn't come,you are ****ED!!!


:D :D :D

LOL share. Love these jokes. We need a joke forum. This will help keep everyone here simmered down. Most of the stuff posted here causes flaming. This will only help calm everybody down.

Originally posted by NixHosting
LOL share. Love these jokes. We need a joke forum. This will help keep everyone here simmered down. Most of the stuff posted here causes flaming. This will only help calm everybody down.

I agree 100% and I will personally post 5-10 Jokes per day! ;)

Aaaaand since I promised that I have to keep my word :D
_______________

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

:D :D :D

There were two golfers on the golf course.
One of the men pulled out a cigarette, and asked his friend for a
light.
His friend pulls out a 12 inch BIC lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large BIC?"
"Oh, my genie got it for me."
"Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag." The friend says, "can I see him?"
His friend says "yes, sure!"
So the friend looks in the bag and out comes the genie.
The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend.
Would you grant me just one wish?"
The genie says "yes, just one wish".
So the man wishes for a million bucks.
The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word.
Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark.
Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million
ducks.
He gets real upset, and says "what is the matter with your genie?
Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million
Ducks."
His friend says to him : "do you really think I asked for a 12
inch BIC?

:D :D :D :rolleyes: :D :D :D

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's
$500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her
saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for
me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take
this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think
for $500 they'd iron the d*mn thing!" ;)

LOL good ones alex and share

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet
tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer,
it's okay...you're already dead!

Guy: No way!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse
races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before...

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of
crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the
drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!

Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So... are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!

Hehe, yeah Fridays suck, hehe :D

___________

An attorney from New York was having an affair with his Italian secretary. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not
wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the secretary took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the attorney's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The attorney said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the attorney came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic
stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without".

:D :D :D

funny forum..

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So, I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 28, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 35, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 56 and am looking for a girl with really big tits.

April 30th:
Charleston is fantastic! Just got here and love it already.
Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! Watched the sun set from Waterfront park.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today.
Not a problem, live in an air conditioned home, drive an air conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing for me.
NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night.
Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot?
Getting used to it will take a while, I guess.
I sure miss my LP collection, though.
I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car.
Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers.
Cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands.
I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:
Fell asleep on the beach. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
Missed two days of work.
What a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby.
He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded
all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop.
No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!!
The home air conditioner is on the fritz and
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
Swatting the swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's.
$1,500 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th
100 degrees today.
Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.
The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment.
And two SUV lady drivers almost ran me off the road.
I hate this state.

Aug 8th:
If another jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his head off.
Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn according: Hot and sunny.
Weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
And who came up with the statement "it may be hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it"

Aug.14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug. 30th:
Worst day of the summer.
I'm not leaving the house.
The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground.
I wasn't aware they could fly!
The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Atlantic with its new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving back to New Jersey where all you have to worry about is getting mugged, I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Georgia!

:D :D :D

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. :D

lol

:D

i like this thread