Anyone heard of any good jokes? 90% of the ones I know are either X rated or corny. (Will try and keep those to a minimum.)
Here's a few of the infamous bar jokes.
1---------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
heh, sorry, had to do a corny one. :)

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A guy walks into a bar on the bad part of town. He's talking into his hand and the bartender says "Hey buddy, what the hell are you doing? You'll get beat up for doing something like that here!" The guy says he has to work so much with his web hosting business that he had a cell phone implanted into his hand. The bartender thought it was pretty cool so he left him alone. About 10 mins go by, and the guy decides to go to the restroom. The bartender gets concerned after he had been in there for 20 mins since this was a bad part of town, so he decided to check on the guy. He opens the bathroom and there is the guy buck naked up against the wall spread eagle with a toilet paper roll up his butt. The bartender says, "Oh my god! Who did this to you". The guy says, "Its ok, I'm waiting for a fax!" :D

3-------------------------------
3 guys are in the bar on the 20th floor of an office building. 1 guy pops a pill in his mouth, jumps out the window, flies around the building and come and sits down again. Guy number 2 says, "How did you do that!". Guy #1 says, "Its this little white pill. You just pop it in and you can fly." Guy #2 offers the guy 3,000 bucks for it. Guy 1 declines. He then offers 5,000 after some major bargaining. Guy 2 swallows the pill, jumps out the window and falls to his death. Guy #3 who had watched the whole thing said, "SUPERMAN, YOUR An A$$HOLE WHEN YOUR DRUNK!" :D

Today is my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot this morning
anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy
Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good
Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday". I
thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember".
The children came in to breakfast & didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Betty said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy
Birthday". And I felt a little better- someone had remembered !

I worked until noon. Then, Betty knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to
lunch,
just you and me".

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go".

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
temendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment". After arriving at her apartment
she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and
slip into something more comfortable".

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of
friends.
All were singing "Happy Birthday"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And there I sat, on the couch, naked.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Nice on The Prohacker :)

Hahaha what a typical male !!!!!

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that
he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the
front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the
10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out
he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But
after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind." The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou
shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to
preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

Prohacker nice joke!!! lol

training

:emlaugh: :laugh: :emlaugh: :laugh: :emlaugh: :laugh:
Damn, I couldn't stop laughing at ProHacker's joke.

Baked Beans

Once there lived a man who had a great passion for baked beans. He loved them,
but they had a lively foul reaction on him.
Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she
will never go for his, this kind of carrying on. "So making the supreme
sacrifice. He gave up baked beans.

They were married shortly thereafter. Months later, his car broke down on the
way home from work and he had to walk home.

On the way home, he entered a small café, called his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled
baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could
not resist and had three large orders of baked beans. Fully loaded he left the
café, All the way home he had gas. Worried, he thought how bad his wife will
feel if he takes his foul smell home. He slowed down his walking pace thinking
he'll exhaust all his gas on the road itself.

Slowly he approached his mansion gate where he saw his wife standing, waiting
for him. She seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaimed,
"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight! "She
blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated
himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned.

Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let
go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap
and fanned the air about him. Things had just
returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight
to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he
must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt!

Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him. While keeping his ear on the phone
conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone
farewells, indicating the end of his freedom.

He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for
taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not. At
this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve
dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

Ahh a church one, I only remember the punchline so I'll make up the rest :):

It was a beautiful sunday day and everything was going normal at church. In the middle of the serman, Satan :dgrin: busted through the doors and told everyone to leave. The preacher was scared and was the first to leave and the congregation also ran out screaming. There was an old frail man sitting in one of the middle rows and satan approached him. "I am the prince of darkness! Are you not afraid of me? Are you a man of great faith? Why are you not running with the others?" The man simply and cooly replied, "Of course you don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 40 years!" :dgrin:

LOL muppie on your fart one

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel
with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works..... "We have 5 floors...go up floor by
floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside."
So they start going up,
and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men
here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind."
The friends laugh
and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor reads
"All the men here are wonderful lovers,
but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the
friends move up to the Third floor where the sign reads
"All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but
there were still two more floors soon to the Fourth floor where the sign was
perfect.
"All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and
attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and
straight." The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would
rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way
to please a woman."

This one might seem lame in the begining, but you'll love the ending :D

A bear and a rabbit were walking around in the forest when they suddenly ran into a golden frog. They were amazed because they had never seen a golden frog before. The golden frog said “I hardly get seen, but when I do I grant 6 whishes”. The bear and the rabbit got even more amazed that the golden frog could talk. Then the golden frog said “since there is two of you, you’ll get 3 whishes each”. The bear started by whishing for all the other bears in that forest to become females. *Whoosh*, All the other bears in that forest became females. Then it was the rabbit’s turn, he wished for a motorcycle helmet and *whoosh*, a helmet appeared from nowhere. The bear gave the rabbit a dirty look for whishing for such stupid thing. Then it was the bear’s turn, he whished that all the other bears in the surrounding forests would become females. *Whoosh*, all the other bears in the surrounding forests were females. Next the rabbit whished for a fast motorcycle and the frog made a motorcycle appear from nowhere. The rabbit jumped on the motorcycle and started warming it up. This time the bear got really mad that the rabbit wasted two of his whishes on things he could have easily bought. As a final whish, the bear wanted all the other bears in the whole world to become females. Again, *whoosh* and all the other bears in the whole world became females. As the rabbit drove away, he yelled from far “I WHISH FOR THE BEAR TO BECOME GAY!”

Dear Salesman.
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?!

Thanks, Joe


Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE.
In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.

Tech Support.

Originally posted by The Prohacker


It sounds like you have had exp.

A man walks into a bar, and asks for some 12 yr old whisky. The bartended pours him some whisky, and hands it to the man
the man drinks some, then says: "this is only 11 year old whisky!"
The bartender replies: "well I'm sorry sir, let me see what i can do for you"
The bartender goes into the kitchen, pees into a glass and walks back out. He hands the glass to the man
the man drinks some, and says... "this is piss!"
The bartender goes "can you tell how old i am?"


Enjoy :)
Matt

Got Guts
---------
The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from
all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from
the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. Using Mafia
reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000.
Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it
in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The Godfather
sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods
found the deaf collector, they asked him where the money was.

The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged
the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking
about."

The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf
collector. "Now ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third
tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're talking about and that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"